Letters to Rebecca

The Second Letter

Dear Rebecca,
    I've seen you around school. You are always with your boyfriend. You haven't looked me in the eye for a while. Is it my fault? I stopped going to the cafeteria in the morning. I could tell that your friends didn't want me there anymore. From what I hear you don't go there anymore either. I started staying in the basement. The hallway with all the physics classrooms. It's where my advisory is. My advisor is a physics teacher and my advisory is for the robotics board. The older physics teacher says hello to me every morning. Sometimes the nice girl in the grade above us sits with me.  She talks about her classes and some anime she likes. It's nice having her as company. I mostly listen to her while I'm doing my geometry homework. She can't really help though.
    I invited you to my birthday party. I don't know if you saw the invitation or not. I put it in your locker. Our friend is worried about you. She says you stopped talking to her too. She is really nice and cares about you so I hope you can reconsider. There is nothing wrong with her. My brain does this thing where I have to find what is wrong with people so that if they leave me it won't hurt as much. I can't find one thing wrong with her. So, there is something wrong with you. I guess that's not okay to say that since you are the one reading this letter, but it's true you know it and I know it. You cut off your old friends. Was it your anxiety or did you just stop caring about us?
    I see your new group of friends in the hallway. Sometimes, I wonder if I should go up and say hi. I never do because I always assume if you wanted me in your life you would have just said so. That's why I also stopped saying hi to you in the English corridor. We have the same English period and I see you enter your class everyday but I have stopped saying hi. Have you even noticed? Do you want to know why I even write these letters, even when I know you won't answer? I guess you wouldn't care. I wonder if you read my first letter. Did you see how broken I am? Did you realize that when I said I only let a few people in, that you were one of them? I know I can still trust you even though you left me. You wouldn't tell anyone what I wrote down or how I was feeling. So I can tell you how I'm feeling, right? Well either way I'm still going to write it down and put it in your locker. This is how I'm feeling. Like crap honestly.
    I arrive here at 6:45 a.m because that is the earliest bus that I can catch. I sit in the basement and do my geometry work until the girl shows up at 7:30 a.m. Others get here around 7:50 a.m. Advisory starts at 7:55 a.m. I sit with a group of seniors who are going to leave me at the end of the year. I don't think they like me very much, but the girl I know who likes me has been getting sick a lot recently, so they are my only choice. At 8:26 a.m I go to class and pass you in the hallway for the first time. At 10:16 a.m I have lunch with my best friend who used to be yours too. Sometimes we go to the basement to buy snacks and walk pass your art class. I peer in and see you, but I've stopped recently. At 11:13 a.m lunch is over and I return to my classes. At 1:07 p.m is English. Where I stopped saying hello to you and receiving no answer. At 3:04 p.m classes end and I head to robotics. Sometimes I stay until 6:00 p.m and other times I stay until 8:00 p.m. I ride the bus home at 6:00 p.m and read my English book. If I leave at 8:00 p.m my mom picks me up. Recently I have been coming to school on Saturdays from 9:00 a.m to 3:00 p.m for robotics.
    It's been rough. Very stressful. I come home crying a lot. In the beginning of the year the people in charge told me I asked to many questions. So, I started keeping them to myself. Trying to figure things out on my own sometimes having to google the answers. I only ask if there is to much on my plate or if I really need help. My parents think I should quit or take a break to ease my mind. They are worried about my mental state and I constantly reassure them I'm fine even if I'm not. My dad can always tell though. I don't want to worry them. Not like my sister.
    I invited my uncle to my sweet sixteen even though we don't talk. My mom says it is to be nice but she doesn't think he'll actually show up. It would hurt if he didn't but I'll get over it. He finally just starting showing up to family events. He came to my aunt's wedding, but she's his little sister. The day before the wedding one of my aunts took me aside and sat me on a couch where the reception was going to be held. She told me what my uncle said about my father and my other uncle. All the bad things and she told me that I should make my mind up on him myself but that I needed the information. I didn't know what to think because my uncle was there for me my whole life but my dad has too. I haven't made up my mind on him but I know that I am mad and I know that it's okay to be mad. I also know that I'm sad, but there are a lot of reasons for that.
Love,
Someone who used to be your friend.