Found it None- Talex (on hold)

tobin

all i feel is adrenaline coursing through my veins and strong wind in my eyes, almost enabling me to tear up. however, it's not the only reason why a drop of salty water runs down my cheek. i press the red button on my screen in frustration. i should've known i wouldn't feel better talking about it. it still stings from this morning you told me you didn't love me. i should've known you wouldn't have any feelings for me other than mere friendship. i click open my phone, and read the time- 9:56 pm on a winter night. the thoughts in my mind are scattered around like the remainder of the drugs someone snorted or maybe the last few drops of alcohol in the bottle. it's an escape from the pain either way. after all, why choose to be sad when one can just be numb? i shivered and cursed myself knowing that lightly lined sweatshirt wouldn't be enough to keep me warm in the harsh cold. the only light illuminating the sidewalks were street lamps emitting a soft yellow onto the space where i walked at an abnormally fast pace. everyone on the team was out and my excuse to get some air consisted of "taking out the trash". it was rare when i didn't feel that there was a weight pressed to my chest, threatening to suffocate me with every second. my mind was no help either. all i'd think of was two words, "she's gone." in fact, i try not to think at all, because i know all i'll see is her face and the only sound i'll listen to is her voice. it was always her and it will always be her. i finally find light in a shopping complex and then as soon as i exit, i'm exposed to the potential risks of what could possibly happen to me at this late hour. i couldn't possibly be more vulnerable, i was alone in a dimly lit area at 10:12 pm on a saturday night. my breath hitches and as my heart races, i do the only thing i know how to. i run. i run from the homeless man at the bus stop who's intentions are anything but good. i run from a car who's bright headlights glare at me as if telling me to hurry the hell up. i run on the uneven sidewalk, swiftly dodging the cracks in which i could potentially fall. i sprint downhill, the only sound i hear being the intense winds howling in my ear, drowning out all my thoughts, all my pain and all the heartbreak i was feeling. i pump my arms and my uswnt backpack thumps against me with every time either of my feet hits the pavement. i run down the hill, past the view of the Los Angeles skyline, and the park, past the homes of families, past the trees and bushes and the druggies until i finally get to the hotel that i call home and then i'm drowning again. the beige walls, usually calming seem to close in on me just the air in my lungs. our last conversation echoes repeatedly in my head as if mocking the last words i said to her. as if i already didn't regret it enough, i grit my teeth and i scream. i scream for what i didn't say to her. i scream for what i said too much. i screamed for what i couldn't save. i yelled at the top of my lungs until my throat was raw and i could barely speak. suddenly my room doesn't feel like the safe space it was before. all i see are memories. the memories of when i was happy and smiling. not the fake one to show people i was barely floating, but the one where i was genuinely happy. where i was at the bar and alex told me i was her princess. and where she kissed my lips softly, where her touch sent me into a whole new dimension. and her voice was home. but i know i lost that, so all i can do is cry. i sob into my pillow- until my eyes are red and puffy and i fall into a deep sleep.