Anamnesis

five

1,171

        I emptied part of the gas can into my car, hoping that I had filled it enough to get me home. I tossed the plastic can into the back seat, deciding to then open both windows for ventilation.
I started driving, glancing down at the clock on my dashboard. The time read 2:27, and I groaned at the thought of the four hour drive home.

        A single thought crossed my mind, I could just stay here. I could pull a McCloud, disappearing completely. I could just slip in and out of the city. As easily as he did, as easily as I wanted.

        I laughed, the sound echoing in the empty space around me. What in the hell was I thinking? I didn't have a home, a job. I didn't have money, or food. I have an addition. I have a family. I have Maddie.
        And I couldn't forget about her. 
~

        I slipped back into the thick of the city around 7 o'clock, Anam's blue-collar workers walking home with backs slouched and faces downcast.

        The smallest, childlike glimmer of hope was lost between the streetlights. Couples left restaurants together, their fingers intertwined. Each night a desperate attempt at a new romance. Single mothers and fathers quickly vacated their favorite supermarkets, children in tow as closing time neared.
        I, of course, had found my own ways to deal with the absences. My emotions were lost between a stiff drink and a lighter.

         It was simple math, smoke, and forget; drink, and forget that much more. My body ached for that same relief, for the smallest escape. It ached for the inevitable high, for the booze-filled dizziness.
        It ached for a release.

        I kept driving past my street, heading to the one place I could let myself go. Lost souls and drifters were drawn here nightly, like moths to a flame. And I was one of them. Most of the vagrants here had already been forgotten by the system, lives akin to the rats and mice scuttering across the floor.

        Like clockwork, I'd leave by late afternoon, and get my fix, arriving home just in time for The Reset. I'd listen to the soft snores of my family, counting down the sleepless hours till sunrise.

        The building in question was an abandoned night club, right on the outskirts of town. Strings of flickering Christmas lights were draped on the exterior, sheets hung over the windows to block out as much of the fleeting sunlight as possible.
       I could feel the music as I pulled up, the mesmerizing beat traveling in thick vibrations through the soles of my shoes. I grabbed my keys, a sigh of relief slipping between my lips as I headed inside.

        The entire building seemed to shake; masses of hot, sweaty bodies mashing together in the center of the room. The mix of identities were masked in the darkness, yet they all moved together, like a single organism. 
        I watched from a distance, unable to pick apart who was who from the chaos. Nobody here knew who I was, nevertheless how old I was. And nobody cared. To them I was a nobody, and nobody could've been anybody.

        My ears were ringing with the excess noise, the sound fading in and out of my ever-changing conscious. I sat alone in the corner of the room, my body slumped in a moth bitten couch.

        My legs were spread out along the length of the lounge, my usual cigarette held between my fingers. A thin cloud of smoke was surrounding my head like a halo. I could barely focus, thoughts running through my brain as fast as the nicotine through my blood. My body, however, had gone numb, tipping the lip of a dark bottle of whiskey up to my lips. The copper tinted liquid burned my throat as I swallowed, my stomach twisting as my body threatened to bring it back up. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my sweatshirt, the thick, musty smell of sweat, smoke, and alcohol unable to be removed from the fabric.

        Hoping, I took another drag, the smog clouding my vision slightly.
        Hoping. Yeah, I did a lot of that.

        Hoping to forget.
        Hoping I'd wake up differently.
        Hoping I'd wake up and not know the people in my own household.
        Hoping I'd wake up in a stranger's body.
        Hoping I'd wake up in a stranger's life.
        And maybe, if I was lucky, hoping I wouldn't wake up at all.

        The center of the dance floor began to disperse, the music switching to a slower song, the melody traveling in soft waves through my body.

        "Mind if I join you?"

        Her petite frame settled down next to me, a face mere inches from my own. She had smoldering green eyes, and mocha brown skin, her hair chopped in a short bob at her chin. She tucked back a chunk of her raven black locks, the strand simply falling back into place.

        The darkness didn't help my case of course, but I could never forget her pursed lips, her fingers brushing over mine as she plucked the cigarette from me.
        Her legs straddled my waist, her abdomen pressed softly against mine. She was shorter than I was, my arms slipping gently around her thin waist. Her arms fell onto my shoulders, fingers desperately tangling in my hair.
We were trapped, stuck in our own minuscule party of two.
        We traded comfort for company, craning my neck to meet her lips. She tasted of vodka and something sweet, pulling me in. I was obsessed. I didn't care to ask her name, and she never bothered with mine.

        She was my small glint of light, and I was a moth; needing -no- craving more of her presence.

        As the night came to a close, I felt myself slipping away. My memories of her had grown vague and yet, I forced myself to remember her eyes, her hands, her lips.

        She glanced down at a watch, the glass of the face cracked in two pieces. 

        "I need to go," Her voice was soft, tinged with a slight accent.

        "What's the time?" I ran my hand through my hair as she stood.

        "11. I need to be back before the Reset, you understand right?"

        I sat up, and she grabbed the back of my neck, pulling me in. My nose bumped against hers, clumsy. I was dizzy, faded from the day, the heartfelt goodbye catching me off guard.

        I nodded, breathless.
        "Au revoir, mon amour."

        "Goodbye"

         I stumbled outside, my car waiting for me. The sun had set fully, and my exhilarated mind was in awe.

        I felt like I was the king of the world, the ruler of kingdoms. I felt like a god. And I would rule, with her, and only her as my goddess. The thought hit me before I could stop it. The realization stopping me dead in my tracks.

        She could never remember me, and I couldn't forget her.