Love Is In The Smoke

New Beginnings

RYAN

I looked at her, and once I did, I couldn’t look away. Gods, she was mesmerizing. I was sure I had never seen such beauty personified ever before, and I had seen and been with a lot of girls. I tried to remember what Alan had said to me earlier,

I’m telling you this - she’s a fairy if there ever was one on earth.

Hell, she was.

Her face was a work of art – perfectly symmetrical, a hint of roundedness, with high cheekbones, a cute button nose that arched upwards, and big blue eyes – as if had been created by a sculptor who had all the time in the world to give to it. She was very pale, her skin a beautiful alabaster,  contrasting captivatingly with her glossy, deep red hair which came down to her shoulders in rich, thick curls.

Shamelessly, I roamed my eyes over her body. I did a sweep from that perfectly angular face, down to her full bust covered in a bluish-green crop top, over her flat tummy, and down her legs. She wore skinny black jeans which showcased her lovely derriere. One look at her and I was drooling.

Fuck, she’s a godsend.

I got a glimpse of her creamy navel where her crop top was too short to reach the hem of her denims.

I bet she tastes creamy as well.

I realized she hadn’t noticed me……yet, I thought as a wolfish smirk plastered on my face. I made my way over to her.

But before I could find a reason to talk to her, she ended her chat and walked away.

What the fuck. I guess I’m just going to have to die now.

Shoulders slumped, head bowed in defeat, I made my way to class. The whole time - the walk to the class and the entire duration of class - my mind was occupied with thoughts of her.

I’d been with a lot of girls in my nineteen years of life. Hell, I’d been with the best of them. But after my excessive share of involvement with the female department, and my perpetual personal aversion to any efforts leading to a connection between a female and myself, and my sudden yet complete impassiveness towards all things love, I was ready to live the rest of my life, however long that may be, as a loner, and die as one. I no longer believed I was ever going to meet a girl who could pull me out of my anti-social, nihilistic cocoon and reignite the flames of desire that had been put out about a year and a half ago.

But now I guess all of that was in vain.

Because when I saw that girl, I felt I could live again, dream again, talk to someone, have a friend again, call my mother someday, have a partner, start a family. I felt there was hope.

Dude, what the hell?

The point was, this girl, whoever she was, made me want to try, to make an effort to set right what I’d done wrong, instead of breathing my life away in wisps of smoke and grieving over my miserable time alive.

But when I thought about it the other way, making her mine seemed but a satisfying fantasy. I’d fucked shit up so bad in my life that the mere idea of a relationship seemed so unreal, as if it was something I could never do, or had never done before.

The irony of life.

This relationship, if it ever materialized, I realized, would only be an excuse for me to carry on with life. I mean, I could never forgive myself for the sins I’d committed.

Well, I’d rather not go there.

A distant high-pitched voice brought me back to reality. The professor was blabbering something about the structure of a CPU in varied tones of voice. What a pathetic idiot, I scoffed. I had two more classes left, and fortunately, none of the professors of the previous three had noticed me. I sat at the farthest end of the lecture hall, hiding behind a big guy who sat just at the preceding row. I only hoped I was inconspicuous.