Beautiful Goodbye

Hi

"Hi."

"Hi."

Black walls. No window. No door. Dark room. One lamp between us. For the past year, this was all I wanted... and I did it. I'm finally here with her- sitting on the floor across each other.

"I missed you so much." I said.

"Why are you here?" She asked.

"Because I can't bear not being with you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you, Toyang. Always and forever."

"Why?"

"Because I just do."

"You can't be here."

"I want to be here. I want to be anywhere you are. Kung saan ka, doon ang lugar ko."

"You're breaking your promise again."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You can't be here."

"I choose to be here."

"You're breaking your promise."

"I can't not be with you, love."

"You promised you'll try to live longer."

"I know. And I-"

"You promised you'll make our dreams come true."

"I'm sor-"

"You promised you'll live for all the days I didn't get to see and the days I wished I would've seen."

"Love, plea-"

"You said you'll try to stay alive."

"I did. I tried my best. But I can't do it without you, Toyang." My voice broke. I was crying while her face was still blank.

"Don't make me an excuse to escape what you have to face, Eli. Huwag mo gawing buhay mo ang pagkamatay ko. You don't deserve that. Ang daming pwede puntahan ng buhay mo, at hindi kasama ang lugar na 'to sa mga 'yon. Hindi sa lugar na 'to kasama ako." She was shaking her head. Her eyes were sincere.

"Ikaw lang ang gusto ko makasama." I pleaded.

"Dahil ayaw mong subukan mabuhay na hindi ako kasali." She reached for my hand and held it tight. I felt her warmth. Somehow, that made breathing easy. "Wag mo gawin ang mga ginagawa mo para sa akin. Gawin mo dahil yun ang gusto mo para sa sarili mo."

"Bakit?"

"Dahil sa dulo ng lahat ng gagawin mo, wala ako. Hindi ako ang para sayo."

"No." I shook my head. "How can you say that? I love you. Ikaw lang. I choose you. I will always choose you."

"But it's not up to you."

"Bakit mo ginagawa 'to? I don't understand."

"Because I love you too, Eli." Tears fell from her eyes. "Ayokong maramdaman mo yung sobrang lungkot.  Ayokong ubusin ka ng lungkot. At ayoko na yung pagmamahal mo para sa akin ang nagbibigay sayo ng lungkot."

"I'm sorry." I shook my head as I sobbed.

"Eli..." She caressed my cheek. "Wala kang kasalanan sa nangyari. Ako lang ang lahat ng 'yon. None of it was your fault. You kept me alive longer. Noon pa lang, bago ka pa bumalik, I already felt this sinking feeling in my chest. Every failure, every stupid mistake I made, always made me feel less of myself. I did all the crazy stuff because it drove away the anxiety I felt whenever I am about to do something right for myself. I always had a feeling that I'll mess up and fail again.