Beautiful Goodbye

Hello

Dear Love,

Second day, and I miss you already. I though you'd visit me last night, because I swear I've cried myself to sleep. I even tried to sleep all day just in case. I miss you too much, love. 

Yesterday, as I watched them slowly put your coffin six feet under, I just felt my bones crushing, my stomach hurling, and my heart wanting to come after you- wherever you are. But, I promised you that I'll try to stay alive longer. And I intend to keep my promise this time. I'll try my very best, kahit ang hirap-hirap mabuhay ng wala ka. 

I feel like I am facing a blank wall. Hindi ko alam paano itutuloy ang lahat, o kung paano magsisimula. Gusto kita makita. Makasama. Mayakap. Mahalikan. Kahit sandali lang. Gusto kong sabihin mo sa akin na kakayanin ko 'to. Gusto kong malaman kung masaya ka. If you're finally feeling the freedom you've always wanted. 

Are you running wild to paradise? Are you wandering around and showing other souls how crazy you are? Are you hanging out on cliffs, tall trees, towers, roof deck of buildings and spreading your arms, thinking if it was the right moment to jump. You always did that. You'd spread your arms, take a deep breath, close your eyes for a second, look up and then smile, and that's when you jump.

You did the same before you jumped right? You smiled before you jumped? Please tell me you did. Because then, I'll be relieved by the idea that you were comforted by that moment when I wasn't there to be the comfort that you needed. 

Your mama and papa said that they don't blame me for what happened, nor for not being able to save you. I do blame myself though. Maybe if I've shown how much I love you, you wouldn't even dare step to the edge. Maybe if I went with you to those costume parties you loved so much, instead of going after the story of my real parents, we would be dancing in a matching costume you picked for us. Maybe if I stayed by your side while you sketch buildings from across the street, rather than sitting across strangers hoping that I find answers to all my parental issues, I would've made you so much happier. I love you so much... and I regret all the days that I made you feel otherwise.  

Please, Toyang... Please, love, let me see you. Let me feel you. Let me know, that you are fine wherever you are...

I love you. Always and forever. 

-Eli 

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Dear Love, 

This is the 5th letter I wrote in 3 days. When I feel that thoughts are about to burst from my brain, and my heart is to implode with pain, I put these thoughts into words.

I've been waiting for you to visit me. I've done nothing every night but to cry. I didn't even know I can cry so much. Nakakapagod pala. Nakakaantok din pagkatapos. Maybe that's why I get to fall asleep. Maybe that's the only way I can fall asleep. 

Love, what's it like where you are? Are there a lot of crazy people like you, too? Do they laugh at your pranks? Do they think you and your mismatched socks are weird? Don't worry if they do. Just remember how I love those about you.

I brought you baby's breath this morning, and lavender yesterday, just in case I forgot to write that on my letter for you yesterday. Tell me what flower you want me to bring next and I'll give you a bunch of it. 

I love you, love. Always and forever.

-Eli

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