My First Love

Chapter 1 - The Dream

"I had another dream about him last night." Hannah spoke softly into her phone, holding it between her ear and shoulder as she sat on the sink painting her toenails red.

"Already?" Renee replied, surprise in her voice, "I thought that didn't start happening until later in August. It's only the first!" Hannah rolled her eyes in accord, her eyebrows pinched in concentration as she tried to keep the paint from staining her right pinky toe.

"That's usually how it is!" Hannah agreed. She sighed, thinking about how the sequence of her yearly nostalgia usually set in. "I guess it's setting in a little early this year. I did just have a breakup... Maybe it's making me a little more emotional than I usually am around this time."

"Well..." Renee hesitated, "What was it about this time?"

Hannah, still sitting on her bathroom sink, now starting to work on her left foot, sat frozen as she recalled the short scene that played in her mind last night. Renee stayed silent, and attentive as Hannah began to tell her about the dream.

Nicholas was sitting cross legged on her older brothers three cushion couch that sat along the wall of the living room of his apartment. Wearing a grey t-shirt, as he usually did, and dark blue jeans. His short, black unruly hair curled at the ends and he was looking at Hannah with those puppy dog eyes that she couldn't tear herself to look away from.

"It's going to be okay, booger." Nicholas said reassuringly to Hannah's 16-year-old self as she stood a few feet from him in the middle of James' living room.

"No, it's not! How can you say that?" She argued quietly. Hannah's eyes searched his for an answer that she could accept. He didn't say anything. Nicholas simply smiled up at her, putting dimples in his cheeks.

Her eyes brimmed with tears as her whole body vibrated with a numb, tingling sensation. As if her whole body fell asleep while she was awake.

"I need you." She whispered, unafraid of being completely open and vulnerable with him. Pleading him to fight – to stay with her.

"No, you don't, honey. I know you'll be okay. You're going to be amazing." He always had this unshakable belief in her, but his calm demeanor didn't help Hannah calm down whatsoever. The tears rolled down her cheeks, and she felt her chest start to quake.

Nicholas soothed her once more, giving into himself and the emotions between them, "Hannah, you know I'll always be with you no matter what." He looked at her earnestly with love in his eyes. "You'll always have me."

Hannah, wanting to continue procrastinate his leaving, felt her face get hot as she wanted to protest how she wouldn't actually have him. Holding him in her heart wasn't enough. As she readied herself to speak, James walked into the living room, and Hannah's dream broke. She woke up feeling numb, as if she couldn't feel the soft bed beneath her. Her empty eyes stared up at the ceiling as her mind came to terms with the emotions of her dream self. For the first time in almost a year she felt the stabbing pain of missing him.

"That sounds pretty intense." Renee sympathized, breaking Hannah out of her revere.

"Yeah, it was pretty big for being the first dream this year. They usually start a little smaller." Hannah came back to herself, switched her phone from her right shoulder to her left shoulder, and began painting the big toe of her left foot.

"I think your breakup with David is definitely playing a part in this." Renee affirmed, "Everything that happened between you and Nicholas was almost five years ago, and the process of your 'August nostalgia' usually starts off softer than this."

"Right..." Hannah spaced out as the memories of every August since 2011 came rushing into her mind.

"Hey, are you doing okay? Do you want me to come over for a bit?"