Melancholic Notes

Nostalgia.

Do they still remember me?
Do they miss me like I do?
Do I want to know?

Yo, haven't seen ya in a year.
I almost forgot you. You. Remember when we laughed at each others weaknesses? How we built imaginary worlds together? How you misunderstood me about the stupidest things? How you called me to wish happy birthday? That was so heartwarming. You have grown so much. Made me feel like you are older than me.

You. It's been two years. You said the wisest words. It was so true, it took me a year to realise. Yeah, pop is so much worse than metal. Yeah, facebook and instagram are shitty as fuck, vkontakte is better. You made me feel average for my music preferences, I laughed at you for still having "Wrecking ball" on your phone. Had a fun time with the game that you showed us. I still keep these pages in my notebook, they are the most memorable ones. I wish we talked more that day.

Three years. Three years with zero words exchanged. I feel so embarrased for my childhood stupidities. But I was genuine then. You are my role model. Good grades. Working with passion. Making other people laugh. Numerous times I said to myself "Do it as good as he would do.". It was my best motivation for any situation. I have realized that boys who I have crushes on look like you. You did that to me.

You all. The summer you weren't here. That fucking summer. I hope you realize you were one of the reasons the tragedy happened. Yes, I accuse you of doing that. I waited all summer. She waited too. You were the reason she found that woman from hell. The one time I saw her after? I felt crushed. Really, I hate you for that. You had each other, I had no one. That summer all that I did was just stare at the ceiling. Every winter I missed you, every summer was the best time in my life, every time the last days of summer were the most painful. I cried every time you had to leave, every time I saw pictures of us, every time that I remembered summer. The station was the best and the worst place at once. You did the damage that summer. You started that slippery slope. You crushed everything.

You three. There are five of you, but you are the best. I hope you are not reading this now, this would be too embarrasing. But if you do, if you really do, I hope that you recognize yourself. I know where you are, I know how to contact you, it would take me just a few clicks. But no. Nothing will be like before. The places I cherished has lost that meaning for me. It feels different than it used to. They are filled with memories without you. But you should know, these times were the best in my life. You made me the way that I am. I still miss you a lot, even if I try to forget by drowning myself in books, shows and other useless things.

I want you to know - I know you are depressed as fuck, it could be seen from your eyes. I hope you didn't notice that in me. I didn't want you to notice.

I really want to return to my childhood to meet you one last time and forget you after that. I genuinely loved you all. Maybe I still do. But nothing will be like before. Nothing will make that one last summer go back.

That. Fucking. Summer.

I still love you. I miss you a lot.
My Hope.
My Sunshine.
My Hapiness.