stories i would never write

A Broken Heart

It's a little like death. You know something in your life has died and it hurts like it. You try to go to sleep to escape, and if you're lucky you won't dream about that guy. But when you wake again, it immediately floods back, the pain seeping into your being. You can't move on, but you can't stay the same because it's just Hell to think about either.

It does heal like everything else. You let yourself fester in your emotions in moments when you need to. But you try not to continually wallow in them. And pretty soon, you start to pass that friends house you met him at or place in the park where you first held his hand or streetlight you kissed him under and they just become places you've been to, not sacred places places built for you.

It's all together a really beautiful and devastating thing. the words that you hear during your journey just form a frame. it's the mind that plays that real game. you begin to go in the direction your soul pulls you.

A lot of people say having your heart broken is like someone ripping your heart out of your chest. It is so much worse than that. Having your heart broken feels like someone trying to rip your heart out from wherever they can access it. They beat you in the stomach, they rip at your throat, they pound on your head, but eventually, ripping your heart straight out of your chest is the only option. So they do it. And then they squeeze your heart and they throw it around and step on it and tear it apart with dull fingernails. They rip it to shreds and just because it's no longer in your body doesn't mean you don't feel all of this at full intensity.

Once again it is a beautiful and devastating experience. Loving someone is like giving someone a loaded gun pointing at you and trusting they won't pull the trigger. But all these fairy tales are full of shit. There is no prince charming for a princess and every prince charming doesn't not end up with a princess. The moral of the story ? Not every fairytale has a happy ending.

Most people say you get addicted to a person. Falling in love seems like a wonderful experience. You get addicted to it. It is the love you get addicted to. Not the person. The constant feeling of being wanted. The constant attention you seek from them. Without them you feel like you want to die. In reality, you just want to be saved. You want those feelings to fade away yet you feed it with memories.

You think you over that person. But then you run into him again. You are not able to look him in the eyes and say " This is not what i want anymore. " Because those were the eyes that thought you to love. The very same eyes you once used to stare at for hours. The same eyes that looked at you and said, " Sorry i have to leave..."

All the lies he told you yesterday are the promises your heart keeps till today. And perhaps that's why you can't let go. The belief that the person you love will always come back to you. And that belief is what tears your heart. Those empty promises poison your brain. You become a shell because your soul has been lost. Your soul wanders aimlessly searching for the love it deserves. But he made you feel like you don't deserve to be loved.

And perhaps that's what a broken heart is like. It is when your soul leaves your body. It's a little like death. Maybe a little more painful.

You think about him. It became your addiction. The future that he said he dreamt of had become a work of fiction. A broken heart often comes along with a distorted mind. The inability to think clearly The constant dread of not being enough. That sinking feeling. Thinking about him shatters the broken pieces of your heart making the pieces so small that it might be impossible to ever put them back together.

And that makes you feel empty. Makes you feel sick to your bones and it doesn't only affect your emotional being. It affects your whole body and you feel the most vulnerable, like a prey being hunted down. It can feel like you're drowning and nothing happening around makes sense. It would feel like a nightmare that never ends. Then sadly comes the emotional breakdowns. You can be doing great and next thing you know you're crying, on your knees wondering what did you do wrong to deserve all this.

Your body shakes uncontrollably. Your head, back, chest and stomach hurt all at once. You scream but it comes out mute. You grind your teeth and clench your jaw. Your body becomes warm and you begin to sweat. You may sometimes have the urge to slit your wrists and see that blood drip down your hand into the sink and see it turn pink when you turn the tap on, only wishing your feelings could go down the sink like your blood did.

It may hurt even more but it's part of the healing process. Because this too shall pass :"))