Trigger Warning> Thunder, suicidal thoughts, suicide
Evan's POV
I yelped softly as I heard the thunder. I always had trouble dealing with loud noises, but...thunder was always ten times worse.
I crawled into a corner of my room, as far as I could get from the window. Unfortunately, that meant I was facing the window, and the thunder wasn't any quieter. The lightining streaked through the sky, like it would break. The ran pounding on the window sounded like it was breaking, coming to crash down on me. The pieces of the sky was crashing down on me, pressing on my lungs. I couldn't breathe. Every breath hurt more than the last, and I wanted to stop. I yelped again as the thunder roared, louder than before. I covered my ears with my hands, trying the block the noise and focus on my breathing.
Evan, you're going to be okay, you'll be fine. Connor will be here soon. He knows how much the thunder scares you. He'll save you...
From what? A noise? It can't even hurt you! You're a joke. You think Connor actually cares about you? Ha! As if! He just pities you Evan. Everyone does. You know this.
No, he cares! Of course he does! He'll be here soon! Just...a few more minutes...breathe Evan...Connor would want you to breathe...
No, he wants you to die. He's sick of dealing with you! You're such a child, Evan! Afraid of thunder? You're useless! You can't even get pizza by yourself! Connor's sick of waiting on you! He's not coming for you, Evan.
Please, stop... Connor will come for you Evan...
I took a shaky breath, remembering Connor. All the happy things we've done together. His smile, his comforting words...
What if he didn't love you, Evan? What if it was all fake? What if he never cared? Oh my god, he didn't love you... but who would?
I shook as the normally comforting voice in my head turned sinister. It was right, who would love me? I'm fat... ugly... annoying... stupid... worthless... I don't deserve anyone's love. Especially Connor's. He's beautiful, and smart, and kind... he never gets annoying. His voice is calming and sweet...
I stood up shakily on my legs, storm nearly forgotten. I had other things on my mind. I walked to my desk and grabbed my laptop, starting a new letter.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day, and here's why- all your worries come to an end today. There was a thunder storm today, which gave you a panic attack, which is stupid. Thunder is just a sound, it can't even hurt you. You're so childish and stupid, no body wants to deal with you anymore. So they won't. I just want to say some things to some people, even though they probably won't care.
So, um...Mom...
I love you. I know I was a mistake and that you never wanted me. You probably won't care that I'm gone... You'll be relieved more than anything. I don't blame you at all. I'm a mess. I mean, I'm in highschool and I can't even order pizza for myself. And you'll have more money, and room, and time to work and for class! It's going to be great.
Connor...
I know you didn't love me...But thank you for pretending, It felt real. And, I was actually happy for a while. Thank you. And, Connor Murphy, even though you didn't love me, I loved you. And I still do. One day, we might meet again. And one day, you might love me. But for now, this is enough. I'll build myself a dream where I can sleep for forever.
Sincerely,
Me
I saved the letter and left it open on my laptop as I walked to the table next to my bed. I grabbed my anxiety pills, opening them with a shakey hand. I took them and popped a few in my mouth, dry swallowing them. It hurt, but it didn't matter. All my pain would be over soon. I reached to get a few more pills, but a sudden clap of thunder made me jump and spill the pills on the floor. "No!" I screamed, tears flowing heavier. I fell to my knees and grabbed as many as I could, swallowing them quickly. I let out loud sobs, not even trying to calm down anymore.
A disgusting taste climbed my throat, but I held it down. I couldn't throw up. I couldn't fail again. I needed these pills to activate.
My eyes started to get heavy, and I laid down, just wanting to sleep. I felt warm and fuzzy, like all my problem would finally disappear. It's a shame it had to been done this way...
I waited for someone to come home and save me, for me to be taken to the hospital. But, here's the funny part...
No body came.
