ALWAYS NEVER || HOLD ||

Chapter 1: The Bench Life.

It is February, a very famous month among people nowadays. I never have to say it because everybody knows. It's Valentine.

People were caught up by the valentine's fever, already. Everywhere I go, wherever I sit the only thing that catches my eyes is red.

People were drunk in oblivion about what to wear on Valentine, who to go with, where to go, and how to persuade them-self to others and many things that you don't want to even know.

It's nearly sundown where I should probably get going so I can reach my home before it's dark. 

But, it's that I'm so moved by the scenery of the beautiful skies above the lake, that I never really intend to go anywhere now but just stay there and watch the skies till it's fully dark.

The reflection of the skies in the lake as the water moves is so mesmerizing and it does make me feel so light.

Some people around here find this beautiful too as I am but most of them don't even appreciate it.

I can see it, every day; they live like machines here no feelings and nothing but they do always find someone who loves them and me on the contrary, I just learned to love myself so that I won't be feeling lonely around people.

The bench here below me at the lakeside was so cold that I can feel my thighs and hips shivering.

It's been raining for days now, non-stopping. To be honest, it's been a daily routine over here, but I liked that; the cold weather that always brushes my body from tip to toe, it's always felt like they were communicating with me one way or another.

At least I have the wind to accompany me as I am sitting here all alone and it's not for the first time.

Whenever I find myself alone, my thoughts will just move around creating visuals and noises that make me look weirder around people. 

Finding love was never easy.

Is it today? Or maybe not.

What if it is today?

I'm probably overthinking, this thing is shouldn't be in my concern right now. This should be something that comes along in life as a magnificent surprise or gift or something that precious in a way to me.

Uhhhhh!!!! Never mind. As I said, I'm just overthinking and making my life more complicated than ever.

What if I'm not? Isn't it already too late for waiting for something that wouldn't be a part of my life, not anymore but like ever, shortly say hasn't ever been before?

This is what happens to me when I find myself time alone for a while. It always there no matter what.

I can even feel itchy like hands that always scrub my mind out of this world to where I ever wanted; my dreamlike world, a book full of fantasy that I created for myself, so I could never be a part of this freaking survival world anymore.

It's hard to describe what running through my head at times, all the time.

People around me think that I'm crazy or something more even worst including my friends like strangers, what I used to call.

Because they barely talked to me not that I'm busy but weird way too much for a living human.

'There's always will be doubters' the word of Mary Shaw from a movie that always scares the crap out of me, 'Dead Silence'.

She was right. Everyone that I ever met here did threaten me oddly and never bothered to understand me not even trying. It was hard to sink in, but I always find a way to get over it. 

People see it as a creepy play on a narrowed stage but when I see it; it was breathtakingly and unbelievably wonderful.

There it is, everything that I ever imagined the things that I ever wanted. Love; being in love and more importantly loved by someone.

"Hello! Excuse me. Hellllooooo, are you there" a blurred voice swims towards me and hits me like a tsunami on the face.

A boy with an average teenage height, exceptionally handsome, a messy like brown hair that dances through the atmosphere as the air washed in, blue eyes that could engulf me fully and not to mention the question marked face he is giving me right at the moment.

I was flattered.

"Sorry to disturb you but it's looked like you could use a hand or something. Would you mind taking a picture of us two here"?

His hand was floating towards a girl, of course. She is beautiful. Long blonde hair with some wave-like curls in the bottoms.

The same icy blue eyes as his. A smile that is worth living for. She was wearing a rose-pink dress, simply elegant.

I was in a different dimension, still, I am. "Can you?" said the boy with weird expressions on his face.

"Yeah! Sure. I'm sorry". "I was in a deep thought" as making myself less weird around them with a kinky smile, never to forget.

He hands in a rose pink Polaroid camera, which is probably hers and I'm pretty sure that she loves the color, rose pink very much.

They were both getting them-self ready as they were in a photoshoot for the magazines. They looked well together, no offense.

But the love they are having, makes my eyes sweat and it hurts me more than anything. Not that I'm jealous of them but they love that aren't in my way for too long now.

I've been waiting and waiting and till now it appears to be I'm still waiting. "We're ready to go" as he gives a thumb up at me.

The button of the camera was as smooth as it was made of cotton. One-click and it's all done, and memories were made.

They were really in love with each other, I can see it through their eyes. It's telling me a lot of tales that love birds could have. It's beautiful.

"Thank you so much," said the boy as he takes back the Polaroid camera and the photo from my hand and takes her waist in another with a lovable smile on his face, from that I can say that he is satisfied with her beside him for to the end.

For that very moment, I don't know why, that I felt like there is no one for me to hold on to. I felt rotten from top to bottom, with no smell but physically crushed. Mentally destroyed.

People are just passing over me without even noticing as I was invisible to the world. Why? Am I not that worthy to love by someone or not even to feel the love, at least?

'Love, when you would be mine?'  they were just playing on repeat in my head as I saw them both walking through the street dancing and smiling at each other without the thought of the world around them.

Love is so much more than earning, I thought.

I'm Ivy Mani, age 26.

This is what my story all about; a sorrowful soul without love.

DO VOTE. ❤