Sometimes, I imagine I can look into my chest and further further further into me. When I look, all I see is... dark. The storms inside me rage amongst a vivid black- murky and lightless and empty but not quite.
Darker than even the stormiest night- even the stormiest nights are graced by bolts of lightning that send surges of light through the pitch black every once in a while. Nothing ever used to do the same for me.
Jinkx is orange.
Bright orange. Like the tiny bit of the sun that peeks through the open window at the beginning of every morning, the beginning of something new, the igniting of the hope for something better.
They are also pink. And blue. And green. And all things bright.
The first time I saw Jinkx sitting on that bench two street lamps away from the one that flickered on and off, I was completely stunned. It was almost as though the complexity of the colors was too much for my eyes and mind to comprehend.
There they were, all orange and green and bright bright bright bright- the sight was so unusual- so foreign- so new- I had to stare. So I kept staring, allowing the vivid brightness of the entirety of this person melt into my definition of solace.
And then they opened their mouth and the most beautiful melody I had ever heard danced out of their lips, still echoing everything bright bright bright bright.
I remember deciding: what's bright is beautiful.
I decided then: I'll run back here every night and just hope this person comes back every night too.
And Jinkx did. And as they did so, they lit up little parts inside of me unknowingly, as lightning would to a stormy night.
I decided: Maybe I'm drawn to Jinkx because I liked the contrast between the brightness they radiated and the dark inside me.
Or maybe that the brightness they radiated made me feel safe and safe is all I need.
I tell Jinkx everything that happened to me. And I tell them this. I tell them all of this. And I say thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Jinkx tells me everything too- they say they came back to the bench two street lamps away from the one that flickered on and off every night because it was dark there- vivid, murky black. Just like everything inside them.
I almost couldn't believe that this mixture of all things bright had the same storms in them that I had.
They said they tried to change everything dark in them by clinging to all things bright- orange and green and pink and red and everything- but it never worked.
They said they liked to stay there, on that bench at night, because everywhere else, everything else is so so so so bright and it made them feel so different- plagued, even- but there- where it was dark- it made everything inside them feel... normal.
Jinkx finishes and we sit in silence for a bit- aside from our sobbing, not knowing what to say.
Jinkx can't speak again- they're sobbing too hard- they take in a deep, steadying breath, and try to- "Darling... you are everything beautiful and god, just every single good adjective there is."
I flinch when they tuck a few stray strands of my hair behind my ear but I'm not bothered- they wipe away my tears with their thumbs- I close my eyes- they press their lips onto my forehead-
What- It feels so foreign and different but I liked it because it felt safe safe safe safe but im so confused- what was that? I'm-
More tears more tears more tears come out and I'm sobbing again- "I'm sorry, I-" Jinkx starts. "I shouldn't have... I don't know... I'm sorry-"
"No." I cut them off. "That made me feel safe and... bright inside."
And then I crawl back up onto Jinkx's lap and wrap my arms around their neck and cling to them because I can't think of anything else to do and-
Jinkx holds me right back, crying into me, and me crying into them.
For once, though tears still stain my cheeks and my chest still heaves with sobs- I feel bright inside. Safe. And bright.
"I'm not scared anymore." I mumble. "I feel... like I don't ever have to run again."
"You won't ever have to, as long as I'm here and I've got you. I've always got you."
"Safe together."
"Right. Safe together."
Jinkx reaches out to grab one of my hands and laces their fingers around my own.
