"Anaya,"
The smallest hint of a smile began to play on Jinkx's lips.
"Anaya," They said again, allowing the word to acquaint itself to every corner of their mouth, getting used to how it felt as it rolled off their tongue.
Jinkx paused for a moment before finally saying, "Anaya... your name makes me think of... nice things."
I grinned back up at them.
I decided: my favorite sound is Jinkx saying my name.
Their voice made it sound like the sweetest melody regardless of its mere one note. It made me forget every single vile word that my father had attached to that name- made those words that seemed valid then, finally lose its resonance.
"Nice things?" I asked.
"Yes, you know, things like pancakes for dinner."
"What about panckes for every meal of the day? That's the best-est thing."
"Yes, that too. That especially." Jinkx laughed, gently pulling me onto their lap. Jinkx had the softest touch. They were always so gentle and cautious, as if they feared one wrong touch would have me disappearing in a puff of smoke.
I rested my head against Jinkx's chest and closed my eyes. They ran their fingers through my hair.
I allowed their slow, steady heartbeat to lull me to sleep.
I found myself thinking: everything could remain okay, as long as this heart didn't stop beating.
"Sometimes-" I yawned, my eyelids beginning to get weighed down by sleep. "Sometimes, I think my name is the only nice thing about me."
"Well, it's not." Jinkx answered, taking one of my hands in theirs. "Darling, the only reason why your name makes me think of nice things is because its your name."
I fell asleep with a smile on my face and pancakes in my dreams.
***
The first thing that I do when I wake is close my eyes again, and then reach my arms out over to the side, seeking the warmth of Jink's hands-
but there's nothing.
For a second, the beating of my heart comes to a screeching halt. Where are they?
"Jinkxy?"
I am-
My breaths were beginning to become more labored-
-panicking.
Where are they?
I turn over, open my eyes and am greeted by the sight of a... bear. A stuffed bear.
I sat up in bed, eyes glued to the it.
It had orange fur- kind of like Jinkx's hair.
I tilted my head to the side, studying it more.
It was wearing a black shirt and a black hat. Kind of like-
"What do you think, darling?"
Jinkx was standing in the doorway, their arms crossed over their chest, and a grin plastered onto their face.
My heartbeat slows into a steady, solid pace at the sight of them.
I take this in- take all of this in- the sight of them: The proud smile Jinkx had on, the way their orange hair almost seemed to glow as the sunlight dancing through the open window touched it, the placidness in the way they leaned against the doorframe, showing how relaxed they were- how certain they were that they were safe.
I let the sight of that calm me, let it curb every other bad thought, every other bad feeling.
"I got that for you yesterday," Jinkx went on, skipping towards me excitedly. "I wanted it to be a surprise."
Got what?
I looked down at the bear. Oh. That.
"It looks like you." I said.
"That was the point, silly!" Jinkx said, happily.
"A bit narcissistic, isn't it, though?" They went on, laughing a bit, when I remained quiet.
I shut my eyes tight and I see-
In my room, in that old house that smelled like alcohol and vomit and fear, there was teddy bear there too- filthy and worn.
That old bear had seen a lot- seen things even I could not remember. I was certain that bear had even seen that old house when it had not yet been touched by empty beer bottles and my father's longing to feel everything and nothing.
In my room, the bear's body was in one corner- and its head was at the center, right by the bed. Both parts had remained untouched since angry angry angry hands had torn them apart.
I sometimes still wondered if even then, the bear could still remember seeing that old house as a... home. When it radiated safety and warmth rather than just plain fear.
And then suddenly, I am huddled into the far corner of my room in the old house and my heart is beating so fast- I cant breathe- I'm trembling-
I see: him. He is coming toward me, slowly- his footsteps are wobbly- he lets out a low growl when he sees the bear at his feet- he picks it up-
I scream- I didn't want his hands on the only piece of solace I had left in this fear ridden house-
He rips it apart and-
"Anaya?"
The image of the bear and him and everything else bad fades into the gray of my closed eyelids. I open my eyes.
Jinkx is in front of me- has their hands pressed against my cheeks, their worried eyes scanning the entirety of my face. "Darling, what's wrong? You were... out of it for a second there."
"Nothing... just... remembered something."
I took in the sight that sat before me- the worry in Jinkx's eyes, the way tears had welled up in them as they tried to know- to understand what it was that was going on inside my head-
I looked to my left- at the bear- its head very much attached to its body- so new- yet to be tainted by the bad bad bad sight of people giving in to everything bad bad bad in them.
The best thing about the bear: the orange hair, the black shirt and hat it was wearing- Jinkx. So much like Jinkx.
Anything that was even remotely like Jinkx, to me, was synonymous to every good feeling I've ever come to know- and just...
Safety.
The assurance that everything was going to be okay.
I reached out to grab the bear and held it tight in my arms. Buried my face in it. "It looks like you. Smells like you too." I said, lifting my head to look at Jinkx.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" They said, a small smile playing on their lips now as they pulled me up onto their lap and wrapped their arms around me.
"It... reminds me of pancakes for dinner."
"And for every meal of the day?"
"Yeah."
"So is it a good or bad thing?"
"You already know!" I said, sticking my tongue out at them. "It's the best-est thing."
The smile on Jinkx's lips widens and they press a soft kiss to my forehead.
ooookay this was kinda trash but kinda long so yay
WHAT DID YALL THINK ??????
