Family Ties

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Hannah's POV

My fingers gripped the steering wheel as I turned off the highway, the soft sounds of Ed Sheeran playing through the speakers as the familiar road twisted and turned through the forest. The look on Harry's face as I left flashed through my mind, adding to the enormous amount of guilt I already felt for everything in the past couple of months. Although I still had so many negative emotions buried deep inside me, I couldn't help the fact that one seemed to overpower all of them. Relief.

For the first time in a long time, I had nobody to please. I didn't have to try to put on a brave face for the kids, or try to keep it together so I didn't worry Harry or my Dad. I didn't have to answer the same questions from my friends as they looked at me with sympathetic eyes, I could just feel however I wanted to and not worry about whether it was right or not. I didn't feel guilty for not being upset about my mother and cousin, I didn't feel like a horrible person who couldn't mourn them, because even if I was there was nobody around to judge me for it.

Of course I felt horrible for leaving Harry like that, and I knew I'd left him to explain it to the kids. But the truth was, I hadn't been much good for any of them, and I was tired of trying to pretend that I was when we all knew I wasn't. I hadn't been the fiancee or mother they deserved, and we all knew it.

It wasn't until I was standing there, looking at Harry while he yelled at me about how much my inability to feel anything was killing him, that I realized how selfish I had been. He just seemed so together that I thought he was alright, and it hadn't even occurred to me that he might have needed me more than I needed him at that point. Harry was selfless, he always had been, putting everyone before himself and trying to make sure everyone was alright. It was my job to put him first, and I'd failed him.

When I left I wasn't sure exactly where I was going, but I knew I needed to be alone. The pain on his face was almost more than I could take, and I couldn't keep going knowing it was my fault. I had to figure out what my problem was before he got too tired of my shit and decided he couldn't deal with it anymore.

My car seemed to drive itself to the place it knew I needed, and two hours later I was parking in the driveway of my parent's lake house. I looked up at it, the familiar sight of it immediately bringing me a sense of calm, as I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air. I had nothing but good memories there, and I knew that it was the one place I would be able to feel my mother.

The lake house was her favorite place on earth. The summers we spent there when I was kid were filled with her laughter and love, and unlike home I could pretend that maybe she just didn't make the trip this time around. It hadn't quite been tainted with the loss of her yet, and it still felt like maybe she was still at home with my dad arguing over what the real lyrics are to whatever song is on the radio. I smiled to myself as I thought of it, the sound of them bickering over stupid things was practically the soundtrack to my childhood.

I grabbed my bag and went inside, looking around and taking it in as the comfort I always felt there washed over me. It didn't feel cold and empty, and I somehow knew she was there with me, even if it was just her spirit. It was the first time I'd felt close to her since she'd been gone, but if I was honest I don't think I really believed that she was. I think I just kept thinking she was at home with Dad, or away on a trip with her girlfriends somewhere. I knew it hadn't registered that I'd never see her again, and it was starting to feel like it never would.

I grabbed a blanket and headed out to the deck, wrapping it around myself as I sat looking out at the lake. I watched as the moonlight danced over the water, remembering all the nights Ashley, Liv and I would sit on the dock and talk about life as teenagers. I thought about how much had happened since then, how far we'd all come, and for the first time in a long time I actually thought about how blessed I'd been. I'd been able to grow up in such a happy environment, with parents who loved me, friends who always had my back, and the opportunities to spend my summers in such a beautiful place.