For as long as I remember I always had this void in my life, this empty feeling deep, deep inside of me, that you can't quite shake no matter how hard you try. It soft Of consumes and eats away at you. You'll have great happy moments and just when you think things are fine, surprise! The feeling always comes back, it's just a matter of time. The constant frustration to fill this void, something to erase the pain. What's the cause? Nobody knows. Yet, you feel the same sad emptiness every single day. It leaves me feeling so empty and down. Like you're missing something somehow, something that is a big part of me and once have it, I'll be happy. I just need that one thing, this missing key. And when I'll get it, I'll be happy, I'll be completed.I've tried everything, friends, education, meterial stuff. But no metter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough. It sucks. And I know people will tell me that I just need to think more positive or the solution to all my problems is self love. But it's not as simple as that, not when you've got to the point where you just feel dumb. I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that takes all the sadness away, my childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought, in my adult life things would change... Somehow I would no longer feel the same, and I don't. And it's something I can't explain. I just wish it would go away. I thought that when I grow up Things would be different, I just... Thought. You look at the other people and they always seem so happy. You know you observe people's lives wether that be in person, social media, TV, and it seems to come to them naturally. And I know all of that stuff can be misleading, but when you feel so empty, you can't help but think, why me? 'Cause you want that, you so desperately want that, and you feel like you're doing the right thing. You know you're hanging out with friends, talking about it, dancing to silly music and in the moment you feel great, you're in a good happy place. But sooner or later that happy feeling always goes away. And the emptiness come back again. Do I sound crazy? God I feel like I sound so crazy. I tend to feel a lot late at night, and that's when I write. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotions I just cry and I don't know why, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. And it's hard to admit, so it becomes easier to lie and act like everything is just fine. So that's what I say, I say that I'm fine. Events from my past still effect my adult life. I lash out, I feel down out of nowhere and I can't explain why. It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes, cause you can't escape it. Not when it's happening in your mind. And so you beat yourself up and beat yourself up till you feel so small. Sometimes, you can be in a room Full of people and still feel so alone. I can put on an act and pretend to be tough, but DEEP DOWN I never quite feeling brave enough. You can be so small in this big, big world that I feel like all I have are my words to keep.my sense of control. One day I'll be able to look back at everything and it won't hurt so much anymore. I'll be able to look to what happened and not feel so sore.. Cause there no cure. There's no quick way to fix it, it's just something you learn to live with. But It'll get easier. Of that, I'm sure.
You are not the demons in your mind, you are not the hurt and pain you feel on the inside. you're stronger than that, you can fight. Understand that it is all temporary And these things will take time. So chin up, breath, allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel. You're going to get through this! Give it some time and you'll heal.
