The Loner's Journal

20. Change?

Her name is me. She loves me more than you'll ever know.

~Tamia

You know, it's funny how people change. Or maybe it's that people don't really change at all? Maybe it's a simple change in mindset, or it's something that a person has always had before, but never showed it... Maybe it's the small urge they always had, but they never gave into it. Maybe this interpretation is exactly how people see change... Doesn't that mean that people never really "change" at all? Doesn't it mean people simply switch mindsets and still believe in what they knew before, but they have learned more and more about the topic and built... or simply tore it down. We don't change, we just become more insolent or more intelligent.

Though, it could all be a pretentious act to show off a difference that isn't really there at all.

I have in fact changed. I don't know if this is good or bad... I'm a little more impulsive, weird, closed off, but more talkative, outspoken, and confident. It's illogical, and I don't know how to explain, or if I really need to. I refuse to be disrespected and I'm headstrong. A lot of things haven't changed, and at the same time, I'm still the same person I was before. It's interesting how some people say they didn't really know me until they read this never-ending book. I say they always have, and never paid enough attention to the things I say or why I say them. They never asked me why, how, or what I do or think. I don't hide these things... People don't care, though I can't say I'm not the same way.

I know how to hate. I know how to love. I know how to shut people out. I know how to open up... But I still don't know how to find the right words to express how I feel, nor decide on most of my decisions. I know how to make someone happy. I know how to make someone completely disgusted with themselves. I know how to forgive. I know how to hold a grudge - man can I hold a grudge. I don't know how to get perfect timing when I do know what to say. I don't know how to tell if a person is trustworthy anymore, but I definitely know how to get hurt. I know how to tell the difference between stupidity and intelligence.

Can't everyone? Everyone can do this, but what they perceive is completely different from every other individual. What I see as 'hating a person', is laughing and giggling with them, knowing all of their secrets, and gaining the trust of a person, only to not have their back and telling the world everything that they trusted them with. Complete betrayal. Right? Others see hate as doing everything in their power to break a person down without really associating with them. There are so many other versions of the idea of hate. Just as there are many different versions of a plethora of other ideas.

What I adore, is the variety of ideas that people have on many philosophical concepts. I love the joy of diversity. What I love even better, is when people one would never expect to be together, are. It seems as though my ideology is not the same as everyone else's. It's the opposite, and if I'm wrong, I would like other people to prove that. Please, prove me wrong.