Has anyone ever felt so useless in their life? I have and it's annoying, especially when my friends are going through hard times. I wanna be there and help them through it but I honestly don't have personal experiences of what they are going through and a I'm socially awkward piece of shit friend because I don't know how to help. It drives me crazy to the point that all I wanna do is cry. Because thats what I do best. Cry. Cry and be annoying little shit that nobody really likes. Im just that one friend thats just there for people to ignore. I have ADHD and fucking anger issues. Im annoyed by a lot if things. And I hate myself for it. It sucks. I thought about suicide many times. Many times. Im honestly not afraid to go to my kitchen and stab my self in the gut with a huge ass knife. But will I do it? I think about this: what is stopping me from this suicide attempt? My possible future? My past? What would I have to loose? Will my family care? Will my friends care? And I also look back to my promises. I told, no promised my best friend Skylar, we would move in together after college. Get a house and live together. With four dogs and a couple cats. I promised her I would. But the failure being myself, would it even have a chance to happen. I don't know. I don't do to good in school. Im lucky to be a freshman right now. I told myself I will try this year and make better grades to have a better future. But would I even have a future? I ask a lot of questions like this to myself and it makes everything worse. I don't know what to do with myself and everything sucks. I recently met a friend and we talk over Skype a lot. I respect everything about her. She is honestly someone who I can talk about anything with but I cant. She is someone I trust a lot even though we met online. And I feel like I'm just another annoying person she talks to. I don't talk about how I feel to anyone and it isn't healthy for me. I probably need help but I don't want it. I deal with everything on my own because I'm just another teenager who probably has depression problems and to other people I'm just seeking attention, and I'm not. I don't want nobody to help me, but I do. Im bipolar as fuck and I cant do anything right without being yelled at.
I recently just made a new OC. I named her Six. She has a appearance that I can only wish to have. But I reflected so much if myself onto her. My issues I hold inside are what people would see her express. I don't know. I don't know anything. Im stupid, ignorant, stubborn. I cant stand myself. Im just so tired if this shit!
This has gone on about 500 words so I'm gonna quit ranting for now.
Bai fam </3
