Flesh Out The Door // Joshler

Part 1

Josh is struggling to keep his energy up as he drums. Every hit jangles through his body and makes his head pound. He's not missing a beat but instead of feeling exhilarated and unstoppable he's counting down the seconds until the show is over. Josh is aware that Tyler is shooting him a few concerned looks but Josh ignores them. He can't afford to worry about what Tyler is thinking right now, scared that he will fuck up the song if he does.

It's the point in the show where Josh is supposed to do his backflip and for a moment he considers not doing it. The other side of the stage feels too far to walk, he has no idea if he could even land a backflip tonight. But the fear of letting people down, of letting people know that something isn't right, spurs him on. Tyler is there on top of his piano and Josh is slower than normal getting to him. Josh can't ignore Tyler now, this close all Josh can see is the worry in his eyes. Guilt bubbles up inside him and he wobbles as he spots the floor behind him, judging his landing. Tyler twitches beside him and Josh throws himself backwards before he can think further. His joints jar as he hits the floor; ankles, knees, hips, all screaming at him. But he sticks the landing. He straightens and glances up at Tyler. Their eyes lock and Josh feels caught. His chest tightens. The crowd is screaming and he should feel bolstered by them like he usually does. Instead he feels overwhelmed. Tyler can see it, Josh knows he can.

Josh turns, tries to jog back to his drums in time for the next part and misses it by a couple of seconds. The rest of the concert passes in daze, Josh's mind fixating on his screw up. Performing is normally freeing for him but he feels more and more inhibited as time passes. There is background pain throughout his whole body but more pressing is the pain in his head, vice-like and throbbing. The lights are bothering his eyes, too bright and too frenetic. He keeps his eyes closed as much as possible for the rest of the show. Each time he opens them feels like a punch to the side of the head. He's nauseous too, having to swallow way too often to control the feeling.

The end of the show comes as a relief and Josh pushes himself to walk to the front of the stage and take a bow with Tyler. Josh wraps his arm around Tyler's shoulder and leans too heavily. Tyler's arm around him is a lifeline, guiding him to bow and helping him back up. It takes the last of Josh's strength to walk off stage and he doesn't take his arm off Tyler's shoulders. Josh is aware that he's panting and his skin feels too tight. Tyler is talking to him but Josh can't focus enough to make out the meaning of his words. He can hear the concern though, and others around them are asking questions and it's too much.

"Dressing room," Josh grunts out, feebly pulling Tyler in the right direction.

Tyler complies and the walk is a blur to Josh but finally he's in the relative quiet of his dressing room. The crowd are still screaming but the sound is muted. There's someone at the door and Tyler says something to them but Josh ignores it all. He all but falls onto the couch and covers his eyes with his hands, blocking out the harsh overhead lights. He tries to focus on his breathing, consciously slow it down. It takes a few false starts before he can get a deep breath in and hold it, before letting it out in a steady whoosh. Josh feels like his whole body is buzzing. Uncomfortable and itchy and too tight. His brain is vibrating in his skull, the sensation of thought strains against the confines of his bones.

"Josh?" Tyler asks gently, placing a hand on Josh's arm. Tyler's hand feels abnormally hot to Josh's sensitive skin.

"I'm ok," Josh replies, needing to reassure Tyler. Beneath all the physical sensations, behind all the pain rocking Josh's body, he feels a deep sense of shame and guilt. He let Tyler down. He let the fans down. Josh failed everyone.

"You need to tell me what's wrong, dude," Tyler urges him, his grip on Josh's arm tightening. Josh suppresses a flinch. It's not that Tyler is squeezing too hard, it's that everything is an assault on Josh's senses right now.