Flesh Out The Door // Joshler

Part 3

The wait backstage is torturous for Josh. He can hear the crowd calling for them as the opening band leave the stage. Normally it's a thrilling mix of excitement and nerves before they go on, but today Josh just feels sick. It's not just anxiety, which he has been keeping at bay all day. It's the pain that hasn't left his body in days, just steadily grown worse. It's the way his thoughts are scattered and too loud in his pounding head. It's the hollow in his chest where his heart feels like it's sucking blood instead of pumping it. They have a week off between this show and the next. Josh can rest for a week. He just has to make it through the night. He can do that.

"Gonna be a good show tonight," Tyler says earnestly. He's got his game face on; a little serious, a little glint in his eyes that betrays his excitement. Tyler sometimes seems stand-offish to people before a show, but Josh knows he's just focusing, gathering and compressing all of his energy and passion. Only to explode like a supernova on stage.

"Yeah," Josh says, hoping it doesn't sound forced, "The crowd are loud."

It's a dumb thing to say but Josh can't think of anything better. Tyler just flashes Josh a grin, grabs Josh's shoulder and gives it an enthusiastic shake. Briefly, Josh feels weak, weaker, just wants to collapse into Tyler and let Tyler hold him up. He blinks and Tyler lets go, none the wiser. Josh is left feeling empty and sad and lonely and he's not even sure why. He takes a deep breath and swallows down the emotion. Then they're being herded to the stage and Josh doesn't have time to think. The crowd is deafening and Josh seats himself at his drums in a daze. Muscle memory takes over and he starts the first song. Tyler's energy is as infectious as it usually is. Swept up in the adrenaline, Josh forgets everything but the music. For a while.

The time comes for Josh to head out into the crowd. There's a moment where Josh wonders why Tyler stopped singing before he realises that's his cue. The platform is already in place when Josh gets to the barrier. His ears are battered with the sound of girls screaming. Now that he's not drumming, Josh feels like his whole body is juddering. He looks down at his hands and they are shaking slightly. Pain pounces on him, ripping him apart now that he's stopped long enough to let it back in. It was waiting for him, held back, and now Josh is paying the price for the time he spent not feeling it.

Josh starts to climb up and one of the crew wraps his hands around Josh's hips and hoists him up to the platform before Josh can process that it's a bad idea. It's hard to get his footing even while he's held steady by the crew. Hands from the crowd are grabbing at him like they always do. The spotlight on him is so bright that he can barely see. His palms are so slick with sweat that the drumsticks slip and slide. He can hear the piano while Tyler waits to finish the song. This is supposed to be one of the best parts of the show, one of the things that everyone mentions when they they talk about seeing Twenty One Pilots live.

Josh stands up straight and the hands of the crew that were keeping him in place leave. He's supposed to hit his sticks together and start drumming but his stomach is doing somersaults and he's dizzy. He's about to sit down on the relative safety of his chair when the platform lurches. Josh can't keep his balance. He goes tumbling sideways into the audience. They can't catch him and several people go down with him. There are screams of an altogether different kind, shouts of pain and Josh adds to that when his shoulder collides with the hard floor. Josh's breath is knocked out of him and the hush that descends on the audience seems to mimic that.

"Josh!" Tyler yells over the microphone.

Strong hands grab Josh and pull him out of the crowd as the crew members wade in. Josh feels like a rag-doll as he's set down on the non-crowd side of the barrier. His legs wobble but hold and he's not sure if it's the fall or his feeble body that turned his knees to jelly. The girls he'd fallen on are being helped up too and everyone looks shocked but there don't seem to be any serious injuries.

"Is everybody ok?" Tyler asks, and he's at the front of the stage now, just above Josh.

Josh pulls a thumbs up, holds his hand up high so that the crowd can see it. He hasn't had time to take stock of what happened, but he's aware that he needs to do something to calm everyone's nerves.

"Josh is ok," Tyler informs the crowd and they erupt into cheers.

"Is everybody else ok down there?" Tyler asks, and there's more cheering.

Josh pushes himself to go to the front of the barrier where the girls he'd knocked over are standing.

"I'm so sorry!" Josh shouts over the noise of the crowd.

They're all smiling and Josh thinks they're saying things like "It's ok" but he can't really make them the out. Josh reaches out to them, holding each of their hands for a few seconds, probably ends up holding more hands than people he fell on.

Josh needs help getting back up on stage because his arms won't hold himself up. It's humiliating and Josh wishes he could wake up from this nightmare. The crowd has started a chant of "Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh" and Tyler is joining in. Josh wants to go back to the security of his drums but feels compelled to do something. He stands next to Tyler, who stops his chanting and extends the mic to Josh.

"Uh, sorry about that, I hope I didn't hurt anyone," Josh says awkwardly, scratching at the side of his head. There are a few laughs and whoops from the audience. Josh has no idea what to say next but thankfully Tyler is already pulling the mic back.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Tyler shouts, "Give it up for my best friend, Josh Dun!"

More shouting and screaming and Josh wonders if he's going to vomit. He turns to go back to his drums and Tyler goes with him, leaving the microphone on the stand. Tyler wraps his arm around Josh.

"You going to be ok to go on?" Josh has to shout to be heard over the crowd.

"Yeah," Josh nods. There's no way he would be ok with ending the show now, not after what just happened. Not after last night's debacle.

Tyler thumps Josh on the chest twice with his palm and runs back to the front of the stage. Josh sits at his drums and has to take a deep breath to calm himself. He tells himself to stop thinking, stop feeling, just drum.

"You all ready to carry on? Tyler asks the audience. Josh didn't think they could get any louder, but the screams nearly blow his eardrums.

"SO- I'M- TAKING- MY- TIIIIIIIIME," Tyler screams, picking up Ride where they left off, and Josh drums as hard as he can.

The rest of the set passes with difficulty for Josh. His shoulder that he hurt is stiffening and he keeps having to push the memory and embarrassment of falling out of his mind. He doesn't do his backflip, just stays sitting. He feels like a coward.

When Tyler goes out into the crowd he jokes about falling on them, and how they better hold him up properly, "I'm trusting you!" Tyler laughs and Josh's cheeks burn. Uncharacteristically, Josh just wants to show to be over. He's emotionally and physically spent.

The end comes and Josh can't hide that he's struggling. He can't lift his arm to put it around Tyler, leaves it by his side as they bow. The second they're off stage Tyler pulls him into a tight hug.

"That's the second night in a row you've scared the shit out of me," Tyler whispers fiercely.

"I know," Josh says, "I'm sorry."

Tyler just hugs him tighter and Josh wishes that Tyler would tell him that it's ok, that he didn't ruin anything. Josh wishes he would believe it if Tyler said it. Tyler doesn't say anything.