Hold On (➳Alec Lightwood) [1]

22. [➳holding on and letting go]

[Brielle]

Five days had passed since my almost exile and the return of Clary and Jace. Things were tense between all of us. Clary and I hadn't talk since our little conversation in the training room, Izzy kept asking me why Clary was avoiding her and that if everything was okay between Clary and I, Clary and Jace hadn't talk either and you could notice the tension between them from a mile away, Jace had barely said three words to me since our conversation in his room, and things between me and Alec went from being good, to awkward and weird because the topic of his wedding with Lydia popped up once again. Now that the chaos had passed, Izzy told me that Maryse said the wedding had to take place as soon as possible.

I had spent most of my time either locked up in my room, on the training room, or visiting my mother. Right now, I was with her and Luke.

"These past days have been total shit. I just wish I knew how to reach to her, I need her now more than ever." I said as I stared at my mother.

"It's gonna be fine. I'm sorry Brielle. For everything. We should have told you everything before things got-" Luke started saying but I cut him off.

"It's okay. We can talk about it when she wakes up. The good thing now is, the psychopath doesn't have her anymore." I said as I tried to gave him a smile but came out as a frown instead. I heard footsteps approaching.

"I'm looking for Lydia. Have you seen her? I don't mean to interrupt anything." Alec spoke from behind us. I closed my eyes.

"Of course you are." I whispered as I opened my eyes again. I turned to look at Luke and he looked really uncomfortable.

"Uhh, I gotta get back to the station. Call me if anything changes?" Luke asked me awkardly. I gave him a small nod.

"Sure thing." I replied and he walked out of the infirmary, leaving us alone. He walked uo to were I was slowly to stand by my side.

"How is she?" He asked me.

"Nothing has changed." I replied dryly. "Um, I actually need to go to train so I should go." I said as I turned around to walk way, but he gently grabbed my arm to stop me.

"What's going on with you? You've been avoiding me for the past few days." He said while he looked me in the eyes. I yanked my arm away.

"Nothing. And if I was avoiding you, I wouldn't be talking to you right now." I said as a I looked at the ground. I can't look at someone directly in the eyes and lie to them.

"Well, you wanted to leave the room as soon as I came in, so there's that." He replied.

"Nothing's going on." I said as I tried to walk away again, but he grabbed my arm, again.

"Would it kill you to tell the truth for just once?" He asked. I closed my eyes in frustration and let out a sigh.

"I'm telling you the truth everything's okay. I'm just tired."

"Really? You can't lie. If there's something you need to talk about, I'm here. And you know it." He replied softly. Why did he have to make things so hard? I was probably going to make the biggest mistake ever, but I couldn't keep it any longer.

"Fine. You want to know what's going on? Here it goes. Years ago, I promised myself that I would never develop feelings for anyone because I was afraid of getting hurt. I have my reasons for having that fear. I made myself that promise when I was 16, and ever since, I was able to keep it. But suddenly, the night of my eighteenth birthday, a raven haired boy, grumpy as hell and tall as a skyscraper bumped into me and turned my world upside down. I tried to stop my feelings, believe me I tried, because I knew I would end up hurt, but I couldn't. I was going to tell you how I felt the night you went to my room to tell me how you will always be there for me, but then you announced that you were getting married. And I understand why you're doing it, so that's why I never told you after. It's not like you were going to change your mind just for me, because I know that you wouldn't. That's just how you are. I don't even know if you feel the same way or if I'm making a fool out of myself by telling you this, but still I couldn't keep it any longer. So I'm sorry if I'm avoiding you, but I hope you understand, that it's not easy seeing the person you truly care about and have feelings for getting married. I've never been good at this or at expressing my feelings, but for once, I'm trying. I like you, Alec. And don't get me wrong. I'm not expecting anything to change after this, just for you to understand why I kept and I still have to keep my distance. You wanted the truth? You got it."