Homecoming

07

Everything sounded muffled, and I could feel every bead of sweat rolling down my back despite the open window and the chilly October air. I stared at the same sunny spot on the dashboard for so long that white spots started to dance within my field of vision, and the swelling drops of salty tears made my eyes burn. I tried to think of something, anything, to distract my thoughts while I forbid myself from blinking to prevent the tears from falling. I wasn't going to cry, at least not here in from of Kohl.

"Verne, say something."

I finally looked at him, his face distorted in a mixture of disappointment and pain. The same face he had in my nightmares. I thought then, this must be a repeat of that nightmare, and I didn't want to see the ending where Kohl started to cry and I started to feel guilty. I didn't.

So I let my tears fall and babbled repentance.

"Kohl— Kohl, I'm really sorry. I couldn't even go through with it. I just wanted to make you jealous because of what you said. I didn't mean to. I'm really not some selfish slut. Please! I was stupid and I've always regretted—"

"Shit. Verne, don't cry. Come here."

It would raised eyebrows if anyone saw, but I was beyond caring. His chest muted my sobbing as I was awkwardly pulled between his arms and the seat belt holding me in place. He consoled me while I clung to him like I wanted to, like I should have done back then when he wanted to end it.

I needed the release of this ten-year burden filled with anger, regret, misery, and longing. One that should have been a passing moment in life only to be remembered for the good times, and it was eleven months of good times.

The Danford family's anchor to the town went as early and deep as the founding of Handen. There was a rather large residential subdivision named Danford Estates here. They owned the golf course, and they also owned the majority of the commercial property in which they leased out to prospective entrepreneurs. They owned the only construction company in the county. The company Kohl was to inherit and run after he graduated from college.

Everyone knew the Danfords. I knew of Kohl and his troublemaker sister since I was in elementary school, but I didn't start noticing him until I was in middle school, and I was wholeheartedly smitten by the time I started high school. He was hard to miss, especially since there was constantly a group of people surrounding him.

When we ended up in the last period study hall together, I was ecstatic. I had a full forty-five minute of uninterrupted view of him, and that was enough for me. It took two weeks of gawking in secret on my part until one day he came over to borrow a pen. He started sitting on my table after that, and then the random greetings in the hallway; a wave, a pat on the shoulder, a nod, a grin, a wink, and sometimes he appeared at my locker when I least expected. As happy as I was for the attention, I became suspicious. Why was the Golden Boy of Handen High bestowing this unknown freshman all this attention?

I confronted him when he offered to give me a ride home, and that was the beginning of the end. I worshipped Kohl like a king, and he indulged me like a prince. Everything was new and everything was exciting. There was no yesterday and there was no tomorrow. There was only today, now, and us.

But Kohl was a college bound senior who was leaving in eleven months. The looming separation never even touched the blissful bubble I've unknowingly placed around us until he invited it. I had always assumed we would continue our relationship while he was away. A week before he was to leave, he brought up the dreaded topic of breaking up.

In my moment of hurt and in the spirit of vengeance, I made sure to get intoxicated enough to relax my wavering conscience, and hooked up with someone random at a going away party we were both attending. That night was the last time I've spoken to Kohl, and I've avoided him ever since. I couldn't bear the to see the painful look in his eyes again when he asked, how could you do this to me, before storming away.

"I'm sorry, Kohl."

"I'm sorry too. I've always regretted everything, and I've always wanted to explain myself, but you were always running away."

I pulled away. "You've got my snot on you." I reached to wipe them off with my sleeve, but he grabbed my hand and held it.

"That time, when I said we should break up," Kohl tighten his grip on my hand and looked directly into my eyes. "I was only thinking of what was best for you. I meant it when I said that you were too young. You were only fifteen! I knew you worshipped the ground I walked on." He grinned at his own joke, but he was far from wrong.

"The three-year difference doesn't seem so much now, but it did then, to me. I felt like I was manipulating you."

"But you weren't—"

"Please, just let me finish. We weren't together that long, but I really cared for you, and I was afraid that your feelings for me were clouded because of how young you were, and how you saw me. Maybe I was wrong to assume that, but I was scared that while I was gone, you'd realize that it was all a passing crush on The Golden Boy of Handen High."

"And yes, I knew people called me that." He added when my eyes widen in surprise.

"So if anyone around here should be apologizing, it should be me—for being insecure and a coward. What you did at the party … I had no right to get angry at you since we were technically broken up, I guess. It just hurt to see you in that position when not even a day before we were doing the same thing." Kohl swallowed and grabbed my other hand.

"So, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me because I didn't mean to hurt you. Shit, don't cry again."

"I can't help it!"

"And I never called you a selfish slut."

"What?"

"Before, you said something about being a selfish slut, and I never called you that. Ever."

"Oh. My emotions are in an overdrive, so everything just came out all at once."

Kohl narrowed his eyes. "Did he call you that?"

"Who?"

"The same guy who hit you."

"What guy?" I averted his eyes.

"Really, Verne?"

"You said you wouldn't ask!"

Kohl shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands in surrender. We watched each other for a few minutes until he made me laugh by making ridiculous faces.

"Let's get you home then."

"I'll probably need to explain why I didn't come home last night."

"I called your mom last night, so don't worry about that." He smiled and pulled out of the day care parking lot.

We drove to my house in silence, giving me ample time to think back about what had transpired between us. It had been a while since I've felt at peace, and I barely noticed the car parked in the driveway until Kohl touched my shoulder.

"Thanks, for driving me home… and you know, everything else." Embarrassment was taking its hold so I quickly opened the door, but Kohl grabbed my arm, preventing me from getting out.

"So does this mean we have a chance?"

"What do you mean?"

Kohl studied my face and grinned. "Take it how you want. Just be nice to me from now on."

I stood at the end of the driveway and watched him drive away.