Dear, No One

The Hardest Goodbye

"I fought for you the hardest,
it made me the strongest.
So tell me your secrets,
I just can't stand to see you leaving.
but heaven couldn't wait for you.
so go on, go home." - Beyonce

I sat there dressed in all black, with nothing but my memory. my everything was taken from right up under me. gone, just like that. I wasn't there when they needed me the most, I wasn't there when they took their last breath. No one will ever fucking know how broken my heart really is. like my heart is shattered in a million peices. like a 1000 pound weight is sitting on my chest. I can't fucking breath. the person I would give my last breath to is now being lowered into the ground. I held a handful of dirt in my shaking hand. the tears wouldn't stop. I would think that I would be all out of tears being I cried 5 days straight, since I got the call. What the fuck am I gonna do now?! gone. just like that.

"ashes to ashes, dust to dust...-"

I through a handful of dirt onto the casket that held my life in it.

this is really it.

they're gone. no more running into their arms. no more warm comforting hugs. all that was taken from me. for what?! why.

everyone began walking away to the parking lot of the old cemetery on forest rd. as I stood there in shock. looking down 6ft into the ground at what used to be my safe haven. my best friend.

tears were still flooding my face when I wiped away some of the remainings. "why did it have to be you?! why would you leave me like this? why would you do this! you knew how much I needed you, and you left. like you just didn't give a fuck anymore. like I didn't matter. I fucking needed you. I need you..-" I wiped away some more tears and fell to my knees and cried out "why?! you know I need you. I always have. I always will need you! you knew that..-" my brother sat next to me on the ground with one arm around my waist and the other on my shoulder.

"Aujanee, its gonna be alright baby.... I'm here for you baby girl. I'll never leave you. I would never. its ok to cry. its ok to be so fucking angry. but it happend and we can't change that. I'm here, and I'm not leaving you. I promise. never."

I held on to my brother as though he were the last remaining person on the planet and sobbed. I cried. I shook my head. "please don't make promises you can't keep.... please."

he just began to cry and rock me back and forth as though we were kids again. like when I had a nightmare. we sat there in the middle of the cemetery crying. and no one said anything. what were they gonna say? "it will be ok"? they couldn't, they wouldn't dare say that. because they don't know if it would ever be ok. if I will ever get over this. they have no fucking idea.

"I never got to say goodbye.."

Markel held me tighter to his body as I cried harder. like crying would bring back the person who left me.

after a while I stopped crying so much and told Markel to go home to his family. I promised I would be ok. I just need to be left alone for a minute. he agreed and said he would call every 15 minutes and if I didn't answer he was coming back. I agreed. he kissed my forehead and left.

and there I was. sitting in front of a tombstone with rivers falling from my eyes, slowly reading every word on the tombstone.

I shook my head "you remember when you told me that nobody would love me more than you? I believe you. honestly, because I feel the same way. no one will ever love you more than I do. no one. you were literally my everything. you know how I took away your phone for a whole day, and you were going crazy? well, its gonna be like that for me every day for the rest of my life. God took you away and I'm going crazy. I never got to say goodbye. But, I never will say that word. never. Its not goodbye, its see you later. and though I'm never gonna be ok with this emptiness inside of me, I know that the biggest star in the sky is you lighting my way. and thank you. for everything you taught me...-" I stood and rubbed the top of the tombstone as the tears began flowing again "I love you. I will never ever forget everything you gave me. I love you so much. I just... ugh -" I began crying as I kissed the top of the tombstone and started walking to my car holding a flower my brother gave me "I'll see you later mommy. I love you. forever and always. don't forget to shine Down your light on us. give aunt jenny a hug." I smiled and shook my head " I'm gonna miss you ma." I took one last look at her grave and turned a d walked away. I can't believe she's gone. damn, just like that.

my phone began to ring, I answered "I'm leaving now kel, no worries."

"alright Aujanee, I'll be at your house in a minute. you don't need yo be alone tonight. I love you baby sis."

"alright, I love you too."

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authors note *
i really didnt edit this. I cried during this entire chapter. sorry it was so sad. The next chapter will include Carter, he is in the hospital. keep voting and keep commenting and I guarantee that I will update a whole lot faster. thank y'all for continuing to read my book.

-Erica cee ♡