left on mitchell school ln

i am here because I just can't take it anymore

and what is that"it" that people really  mean when they say that? is it life? is that "it" a someone? a mother, a brother?

i don't know what it is for some, but for me it is myself

in this moment I have decided that i'm worth it. not anymore. not for my upcoming high school career, not for dreams of college, not for him and not for you

i could barely make the 5minute walk over here

knowing what was to come, what i would do

i arrived with my vision blurred and legs weak. just stood over there by that thickly wooded pathway. I wanted to find my spot but my legs wouldn't take me

so there i stood, waiting for my body to catch up with my brain, watching the trees sway in the wind. looking for any sign to tell me that this was something i'd soon come to regret 

but there was no sign, no voice. no little bird so beautiful it makes me appreciate life and want to continue on. it was in that moment when I realised no one was going to save me from myself that i made up my mind. i wasn't scared anymore. this was how it had to be, this was my fate

It was time.

so i sat in my favorite spot down on Mitchell School Ln, where there lie a long thick abandon branch i could put my back up against

I put my earbuds in and turn on Hallelujah, the PTX version. My favorite song in my small little universe. I love this song because I feel it is my own precious gem that I get to keep for myself. No one understands this song like I do.

and i tune out. I almost completly forget why I am here in the 1st place when my song plays again for the 5th time now. So I take out my iPod because it has my silver  life line hidden in its case.

at least i thought it did

I open it up and lo and behold, it isn't in there. I start to panic because No No NO!!!! This can't be happening right now I have to do this! I already made my decision, there's no turning back

But it's gone and I'm still here and there's nothing I can do about it. 

so i sit. and then I'm furious because I fucking now he's taken it I just know it 

but eventually i get over my pathetic self and decide to take out my green and black supposed to be journal and i write. i am doing this for about 10 minutes when it hits me

this is my sign

It's stupid I know, but I believe it because everything in my life has crumbled like it was all just a stupid fucking dream where we all played pretend

A Dollhouse

so i ponder this for a while and then keep writing.

I get bored of this after a bit so i let my mind wander, which is a mistake because it wanders to you and i promised mmyself I wouldn't think about you anymore

it was all so pointless cos it's not like me thinking of you meant or would change anything. But right now, all alone by the docks and boat sheds, you are all I have. 

all i  want

so i wonder

I wonder what I would feel if I was so lucky as to see you again

 what would you feel? 

I think of your perfectly adorable smile and your raven hair

what it'd feel like to run my fingers through it while you rest your head on my lap and smile at me through those  amber eyes of yours. my god are they beautiful 

as I'm thinking this I also think of how you might distress over being called beautiful, to which I reply

Boys can be beautiful too

but then I know better than to get carried away because you are there

and i am here

Tucked away in my private hide away where all your dreams come true and the sun sets in it's cotton candy orange fade

where I'll stay dreaming my silly dreams

hearing the winds music soaring through those trees 

down on mitchell school ln