I Am Ezra (Complete)

Tendencies

Today is thursday, just a day away from the big day. I woke up wednesday morning with a deep dread inside of me. I feel strange with these new feelings coursing through me. My way of life seems to have been completely flipped upside down. I went to work that day completely broken, able to get almost nothing done. Bri kept giving me extremely disgusted looks, as if I were some monster roaming the hallways. But how could I know if I was or wasn't? My perception of reality and how the universe worked has flipped upside down completely. Luckily, I was not approached by anyone strange that night. I went home, took a walk that night, and went to sleep. The memories are fading now, they are like a bad dream. My life must have been strange long ago, because these memories still linger. I don't know if I have some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or something else. Perhaps I should visit the psychiatrist at work, and ask them. I am sitting in my bed now, staring at my dresser just ahead of me. This moment could be the most beautiful moment I have ever experienced, or it might not. If everything is relative, and requires me to observe it, does the past even exist? Does the future? Is the future just a predetermined set of events and destinies? If so, this would be the most beautiful moment I have ever experienced, and the moment following that. I shove the thought out of my head, and step out of bed. Like tuesday morning, I stare out of the window. I feel I am too philosophical even for my own well-being. Am I even that philosophical? I have stripped the universe down to a mere concept. Someone may call me crazy, or a visionary, I don't care about what they think of me.

I dress, and go down the hallway. After a bland breakfast, I step outside into the cold overcast morning in the city. No one is outside at this moment, and I walk alone. Down the sidewalk, past systematically placed trees and cars zooming past up the road to who knows where. As I reach the outskirts of the city, something catches my eye. A liquor store, just a few streets away. It gives me a thought I have never had before. With these new found feelings, and my desire to suppress them for the time being, maybe drinking wouldn't be that bad of an idea. I stare at it for a few seconds, or maybe more. From what I heard, most people use alcohol to suppress their feelings in the manner I am thinking of. But another thought shoots through my mind, I should do it on the way home from work, so I don't show up to work with a bottle of whiskey or vodka or whatever I'll get slung over my shoulder. I look away, towards the mesh of buildings, and continue to walk towards where I need to go. I can almost feel the employees, or the liquor store itself waving me goodbye, and staring holes into the back of my head. It's like I already have an addiction, though I haven't even started. No, I will not get addicted, I will only do this once, and I will probably have a bad experience. I enter the city, and the sound of bustling people and traffic amplifies. I walk past everything happening around me, ignoring every single person, bike, car, or cafe.

When I reach my place of employment I hesitate at the door. These new feelings, one of them is nagging at me. It's telling me not to enter this place, lest my life come crumbling down around me. No matter, I'm going to do it anyway. I don't care if there's a sudden explosion as soon as I enter, or a terroristic attack on our building, or even a raging fire, if I die so be it. I turn the handle and push the door in. I start to walk past all of the high-tech machinery, and parts. I take some time out of my walk to admire them, they are exquisite and beautiful. However, after a while of admiring I hear my name. I turn to look, and there he is, the man I saw that tuesday night. Only this time, I can make out distinct features. His wrinkles still linger, but he also has black hair with splotches of gray on it slowly balding around his head. He is very stocky, and his eyes are a murky grey color. This can't be, why is he here? I can see Bri talking to him as well, along with some of the other business executives. He beckons me over, and Bri raises expectant eyebrows at me. I guess he must be someone important, but how? I advance towards them, and his smile grows. Though to me it isn't a smile of happiness, it is a smile of victory. Well I won't let this man win this time. As I reach him, he grips my hand and gives it a firm shake.