OLD HABITS | KNJ

XX.

moon areum,

⠀⠀you found me out.

⠀⠀it was my fault, though. i should've never told you i was valedictorian. that made it real easy for you to discover my name.

⠀⠀how did i find out that you found out? yoongi said he overheard you breaking up with randy, telling him that you 'fell in love with kim namjoon, the only guy who's ever truly loved and appreciated' you. yoongi's always overhearing conversations. it's good for me that he does.

⠀⠀you fell in love ... with the man behind the pen.

⠀⠀that being said, you also finally decoded the hidden messages in each of my letters, didn't you? how else would you have known about my inextinguishable feelings for you if you hadn't?

⠀⠀it makes me so happy to know that you reciprocate my endearment, moon areum. you finally looked elsewhere. randy isn't stopping you anymore. i'm glad that i (somehow) helped you muster up the courage to dispose of such negativity from your life.

⠀⠀i wasn't lying when i told you that i loved you. i really do. (i still don't know how randy took such an invaluable and distinctive treasure for granted ... because i know i would've done things way differently if i'd been in his place.)

⠀⠀but, moon areum, there was a reason why i didn't want you to know who i am.

⠀⠀you just had to go out and defy my word by asking around who this year's valedictorian was, didn't you?

⠀⠀i could've been with you! i could've been the bestest friend, boyfriend, husband you ever had. so, why didn't you wait until graduation like i told you to? why didn't you swallow away your anticipation for just a couple more weeks before the ceremony?

⠀⠀no, i'm not blaming you. it's really not your fault for being naturally curious. it's human typicality. i'm just explaining to you why things didn't turn out the way we both expected.

⠀⠀i told you that i'd disappear. and that's exactly what i'll be doing after marking my initials at the end of this letter. there won't be a speech delivered by kim namjoon at the end of the year—there won't even be proof that kim namjoon existed. all the letters i sent you will be the only remembrance of me, but even then, you can't convince anybody that i was real. after all, you could've written those letters yourself, right?

⠀⠀the only place i'll forever live in is your heart, if you choose to keep me there.

⠀⠀moon areum, i want you to know that this is beyond my control. i wish i could stay with you for all eternity. i wish everything would've had a different turnout, but i have a deal to keep.

⠀⠀the reason you never really noticed me before is because i didn't want you to. you overlooked me, you gazed past me, you never recognized me. why? because i intentionally blinded your eyes from seeing me at all.

⠀⠀i know i hinted that you never looked at me because you were afraid of randy's oppressing fury. that was partly true; i wrote that more with the intention of exposing randy's toxicity than anything else. but the real reason you never noticed me was because i made myself purposely invisible to you.

⠀⠀the deal, well, it was one that i made specifically to be with you. at graduation, i was supposed to make myself known to you, and finally my burdening wings would be torn away from me.

⠀⠀yes, wings.

⠀⠀truth is, i'm not human. jin and yoongi and taehyung and the rest of the student body were all kept from seeing my wings, just as you were kept from seeing me altogether.

⠀⠀being the creature that i am, i wasn't able to salvage you from randy's, or anybody's, abuse. i couldn't do anything except keep you alive. and seeing you so vulnerable and fragile just ... it was too much for me to handle. i fell in love. and i wanted to save the woman that i love from being mistreated. but i couldn't. not while being ... this.

⠀⠀so, i made a deal. you'd fall in love with me, too, and on graduation day, i would present myself to you, and my wings would no longer be mine. they'd be gone. then, i would enjoy my remaining life as a mortal with you by my side and i by yours.

⠀⠀but if 1) you didn't fall in love with me, or 2) you found out my name before graduation, then i could no longer be with you (neither as a companion nor as a guardian).

⠀⠀i really thought this was going to work out. that's the only reason i agreed. i did the best of my ability to make sure it all turned out fine. i even gave you a shortened name (joonie) for you to use and feed your curiosity with. but your inquisitive nature got the best of you.

⠀⠀that's okay.

⠀⠀i still love you very much so.

⠀⠀don't forget about me, moon areum. don't be like everyone else and lose memory of me. i am real ... in your heart. don't let me die, please. and don't let my departure sadden you. you've always carried on fine without me. the only thing that would be missing from your life are my letters, but, even then, you have my previous ones for comfort.

⠀⠀it won't take long for you to move on from me, i'm sure. not much is memorable about me, anyway. but, please, keep me in your heart so that i live forever. that's the only thing i ask of you.

⠀⠀i'm really sorry things turned out to be this way. it hurts to let go, which probably explains why i've been dragging out this letter for longer than i should have. it's an old habit of mine: to linger for longer than necessary. i over-explain too much, too, and express too much of my feelings in my writing.

⠀⠀this whole letter was probably just a huge mistake because you ended up more hurt than you would have been if i'd just left without a warning. i'm sorry, moon areum, for being me.

⠀⠀i just needed to explain everything.

⠀⠀listen to me. if you have me constantly
⠀⠀on your mind, i'll be able to breathe. it's a
⠀⠀very difficult thing to do while trying to,
⠀⠀eventually, move on. but please. don't

⠀⠀you know that we remain alive through
⠀⠀one's memories? it's true. we do. i'll live
⠀⠀until the day you decide to kill me.
⠀⠀
-knj
p.s. don't try searching for a hidden message in this letter. you won't find it. there is none. goodbye, moon areum. goodbye.

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— f i n i s —

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