random thoughts + poetry

Hospital Bed

"i haven't seen her in years,"
said the hospital bed,
"though i've seen many others,
who sobbed violently like her,
who sunk into me like a young, rusting anchor.
who could not get comfortable in one position or
one mindset or
one truth.
i have felt them dig in their heels
and try to ache and and fight and
scream, just quietly enough not to wake their roommate."

"i remember their shapes,"
said the hospital bed,
"how their voices rose slowly like a far-off ambulance siren,
how their faces fell when they remembered the emergency
was right here.
i have been kicked, punched,
clung to, held on to,
as if gravity switched suddenly and they feared
yet another aspect of the universe was against them.
i've seen dirty sheets and i've seen clean ones. i've
seen boys with tattoos on their faces and
razor marks on their arms. i've seen pain.
i've seen girls who wouldn't turn off the lights,
girls who couldn't turn off the lights,
girls who had turned a light off once and never wanted
to do anything else. i've seen pain.

i've felt love before
more often than the lovers thought they loved,
more strongly than the fighters thought
they could fight.
in shaky hands folding down blankets
more carefully than they have all week
in heads that flop ungracefully onto
pillows, securely,
fulfilled.
in the slow turn of a hospital bracelet
around a pale wrist,
in large, golden brown hands,
inspected through tear-blurred eyes,
through scratched glasses,
picked up off the floor after discovering
force won't carry a ring of thin plastic
as far as you thought.

i hear change in whispers,
good night, good luck,
in hushed acceptance, in 'yes,
i really am here'. in
screams that send nurses in panic only to find
you were laughing. in numbers,
in 'five hundred milligrams,'
in 'three gained pounds', in
'one more day'.

i hear shock, i hear fear,
in echoes of parents' voices,
'why here? why now?'
i have heard and seen and felt all of them.

but she,"
continued the hospital bed,
"hasn't been in here in a while.
i haven't heard her whisper
to her roommate about what she did
'that night', i haven't seen her
sneak away from her pile of pajamas
as if she didn't just hide something there,
i haven't heard her empathize
with a pencil sharpener.

it's been so long,
it's hard to imagine,"
said the hospital bed,
'i hardly remember  her'.
if only the hospital bed knew
that she could hardly remember
herself from then either,
if only it knew she hadn't stopped
fighting once she left
if only it knew
how she felt when they said
she only needed to go to therapy
every other week.
it felt like progress,
and it felt like hope,
and no one better than
a hospital bed
could understand that.