NATALIE

Week 6

After last week's game, things had gone back to normal. Tommy started talking to me again after I'd apologized for pushing him away. I had explained to him that I was trying to figure some stuff out and that I'd tell him about it when I was ready. He seemed pretty content with that, and I knew for sure we were okay when I saw him smoothing out his face when I roasted Mr. York's teaching techniques.

I started being able to pay attention during lessons again, but I didn't always do it. I just like knowing that the option's there. I mouthed off a lot during class, but that's nothing new. None of my teachers gave me any detentions, because they know how pissed Coach Jones gets when he has one less player to abuse during practice.

Football practices were torture, but there was nothing that I hadn't already gone through. After over a year, I think I'm desensitized to Coach's yelling.

My friends on the team are all pretty oblivious, so they never even noticed anything off in the first place. Same deal with my mom, but I really don't talk to her much. Then there's my dad, who only cares about what happens in football. Last week, he was concerned about my bruised face for a second, but he seemed more worried about whether my school ended up winning the game. I actually had no idea, so I texted Cody to ask. We did win, but I didn't really care.

Over the past several days, I've talked to Luke a lot. He sent articles for me to read, and he suggested that I look more up online. He told me that a lot of people share their stories on the internet, and that I might find something helpful. There's a lot out there, he said, so be careful what you believe. I've spent an unhealthy amount of time scrolling through Q&A forums.

Which brings me to right now. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Transgender.

That word terrifies me.

Luke had brought it up first, but I've seen it so many times on my internet quests. Transgender, having a gender identity which is different from the sex one was assigned at birth. I used to think that this thing was fake. Like, I've heard of court cases where these kids fought to go to their "preferred" school bathroom. I used to think that those people were just looking for attention. But I guess that I should know all about that...

It also explains so much. Why I've never been comfortable in body, with my name, and my image. The more I think about it, the more right it feels.

I'm male. It's how I was raised, and it's not like I can control my chromosomes. But I feel like a girl. I want to be seen one as one. How did I completely miss the way I feel?

When I was little, I wanted to wear a dress. My mom had told me, "No, Nathaniel, that's for little girls. That's not for you." Well, why can't it be for me? Why couldn't I be a little girl?

Natalie. I wanna be called Natalie. Maybe it's a random name that a random guy came up with on the spot, but it's so perfect. It's like my name, but it's more... me. Luke's the only person who calls me that right now, but it makes me so happy when he does. Nathan and Nathaniel feel like punches and stabs.

What am I supposed to tell everyone else? "Hey, could you call me Natalie and refer to me as she/her? Yeah, that'd be great, thanks." I'll put that on the list of ideas on how to come out, right under the body paint.

I don't understand it completely, but at least I have it now. I've accepted it, and I'm learning to be okay with it. I think I should tell people about this? Okay, but that's terrifying. I could lose the life that I took so long to build. My parents could be disgusted, my friends could all leave me, and I'll definitely get kicked off of the football team. My dad would disown me for that. But then, if a stranger could accept me so easily...