Love Letters To Him

Letter Two: September 30, 2018

Dear My Love,

Let's go back to the time when we weren't in love. Do you remember that time. Our senior year in high school, I do.

You hated me.

Like really hated me.

You and your "buddies" (football team) and "Samantha" (girlfriend) would push me in the hallways everyday. Remember that?

Now I told you before that I honestly didn't care what you guys did to me and I didn't because I was with you and we were together. But at the time what you guys did to me was like stepping on glass everyday. I am not trying to make you feel bad because I already know you do, you told me, but I want you to know how you made me feel.

When one of your "buddies" pushed, tripped, kicked me in the hall I didn't really care and when Samantha, being the bitch she is, dunked my head in the toilet and broke my glasses, I didn't care. But it wasn't until you started joining in with them did I start to care.

"Hey! Uh, Lily. Wait!"

At that moment when I heard you yelling for me my heart leapt. Your voice was deep, masculine and soft. And I felt like I was being drawned into you. When I turned around to meet you, a smile on my face, I said, "Yes?" I may have seemed calm on the outside but inside I was screaming.

"I was wondering..." You took a step closer. My heart was beating in my chest. The way you were looking at me made my knees turn into jelly. Your eyes—so dark blue like the ocean that if I looked at them longer I would find drowning in them—raked up my body twice then landed on my face. Your hand went up to my face and gently caressed my cheek.

Something in your eyes changed as you looked at me with so much intensity, I almost missed it. Regret. That was in your eyes for a split second. Then you said something that I've tried to forget but I can't. And believe me, I've tried. So many times.

"When are you going to kill yourself?" Your voice held no emotion but your eyes did. They held pain and regret.

My eyes start to water as I stare at you. "What?" I whispered.

"I'm so–" You were starting to say but then your "buddies" and Samantha walked up behind you and nudged you in the back. Samantha placed a kiss on your neck and said, "Get on with it, baby." She looked at me with a smug smile and hatred was visible in her eyes. "Tell her what she is then..." She whispered the rest in your ear and by the smug smirk on her lips I knew what she said.

Sex. Of course she'd say that. And to tell by the way you smirked, you liked the idea. "You are worthless. Just kill yourself, it'll do us all a favor." Then you laughed and your "buddies" and Samantha joined in.

I felt tears fall down my cheek as I turned to walk away. I couldn't believe what happened. My mind was racing. My heart beating fast. My eyes stinging. But mostly, I was in pain.

Why did you say that? I know you told me you didn't mean it but you had a choice. A choice to stand up to your friends and not say that stuff to me but you did anyways. I did forgive you though and I still do. But the reason why I am writing this to you is to let you know when Samantha went up to me as I was about to leave the building she said,

"I don't wanna see your ugly ass face here tomorrow. You'd better be dead! If you don't kill yourself, I will." Then she sauntered off to you, her heels clicking on the floor, and gave you a big kiss on the lips.

I never told you that because, well, I don't know. I'd kept it to myself thinking that maybe if I didn't tell anyone, it'll go away, and I'd forget about it. But I didn't. I couldn't.

And when I got home I did try. I tried to kill myself. I went to the restroom, grabbed my razor, and some pills. Obviously, I failed. My parents found me about to take the pills, my wrists dripping with blood and stopped me. The ambulance came and I was sent to the hospital.

Now this isn't some revenge letter, this is me telling you what you didn't know and how it affected me.

I don't hate you, if you think, I could never hate you...

And I've tried....

Your Love