PAIN KILLERS #wattys2018(REVISED)

Chapter 1: Kill thyself✔

Hello~ I'll just remind you I'm not good at grammars. So If I misspelled or have wrong grammars. I apologize in advance. Enjoy.

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Life... Life is cruel

I've always thought that it was cruel. It was always masked in an annoying cloud of gray, making everything surrounding me sullen and dull, all the time.

Why live, when you're just going to die anyways? It's a question I've asked myself a lot.

I've never really understood the meaning of life. I've always wondered why people got up every morning, the reason why people felt the need to keep going. "I don't give a shit about life," is what I've always told myself, and I've lived with that thought spiraling in my mind.

Everyone hates me, even my own mother. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just that much of a disappointment.

I don't know how to live anymore. I only know how to die.

But sometimes I think to myself, do I need someone to care for me? Do I really need them to complete me?

Life is boring and meaningless. What could one person do to fix that?

And day by day... I've been living the same damn thing, over and over again...

Ever since I lost Yol Sang Kim.

I took pills to try to calm and heal myself, but it's been a year since then. It changed my life for a short time, before I fell back into a depression. I don't know how I haven't died yet.

It was depressing, remembering every bit of her moments with me... Her smiles, her laughs, and her love for me all echo throughout my mind and never seem to stop.

I miss her so much.

I was so happy then. I didn't need pills, I only needed her, and that was enough.

Then... She left.

The pills I took every day did help, and I was happy... Then... Till then...

I blinked, and a warm liquid flowed down my pale cheeks as my throat tightened. I quickly wiped it and sat up in my bed. My eyes latched onto the picture frame where she was smiling her brightest smile. I picked it up and brought it closer to get a better look. I stared at her, my chest tightening with each breath I tried to breathe.

When I couldn't take the pain anymore, I set it down and walked out of my room. I rushed down the stairs and opened the garage door. I grabbed my car keys before hopping in my car and driving away as fast as I possibly could, as I usually did to get away from this crappy world that I lived in.

I stopped my car at the bridge. We always spent our nights here, admiring the calm black river from afar. This is where I recalled every memory we shared together, while staring at the dark abyss.

I'm so depressed that I want to kill myself. I want to get rid of this regret, this pain that's eating me from the inside out.

The only thing I love is when...

When I feel like I'm drowning.

I love it when pain strikes me.

Why did I take the pills if I wanted to feel pain? Maybe there was a part of me that knew it wasn't right.

I wanted to suffer like the way she suffered before the claws of death suffocated her and took her away.

There was nothing else to say. I wanted to drown. I had death sitting right beside me, all I had to do was take the leap.