Dear...whomever...

Down

             I'm not writing this for attention, I don't even want your feedback. I just needed to let this out. 

           Lately I have been feeling rejected, and unwanted. I know, it's normal for someone with depression to feel that way, but it's been hitting me hard. I only recognize the feeling of sadness now, everything else is numb to me. I have nightmares and instead of feeling scared, I just feel sad. Only sad. No joy, no fear, no guilt, no rage, no discomfort, just....sad. 

        It's not like I'm good at hiding it, either. Maybe my friends are all naive. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off dead, you know? Jen hasn't talked to me in a month now. I know she's on. She talks to her other friends all the time. I guess I'm not important enough for her. 

       My mom constantly yells at me for things that I can't control, like my attention span, my constant fidgeting, strange outbursts, and other stuff like that. Am I just supposed to sit there and smile when my mother yells at me and calls me annoying? I feel like I'm a burden on my friends and family. 

        I don't know what I would do without my close friends. Naomi takes the time to thoroughly check for self harm, which is good. Because honestly, if she didn't I probably would have by now. 

       I don't feel like being happy. I don't feel like smiling. I just feel like curling up and a whole and dying. I don't want your help. I just want to scream, punch someone, or something, and possibly even just stab something. I'm a crazy motherfucker and I know it. 

Hell is empty and all the devils are here