Random things <3

kinda personal so you dont have to read

I'm don't understand humans/family one minute they love you to pieces and then the next minute they want to stab you 76 times so you're in pieces. I really don't get it.......
****personal stuff ahead read if you want****
So ummm me and my family have never really gotten along I've always been yelled at and mentally being hurt but they always say they love me even though they call me something's a lot. Now I've never been one to try and put people down but I do on accident a lot just because of the mood I'm in depending on my family. I always put myself down though, because I always think I'm not pretty or not smart or not skinny, and even though it's true all of my friends say I'm pretty and smart and I'm not chubby but also I'm not skinny, I have the best friends but, I have a horrible family because they always tell me things I can change about myself or I can be smarter. Different thing kinda, I say sorry all the time just because I feel like I need to apologize for everything I do, I feel like I need to apologize for not being smart and I sometimes even say sorry when no ones around because I feel like I need to apologize for my existence, and I know I shouldn't but I do. I don't think I've ever said this on here but I have anxiety and suicidal tendencies, like the other night depression and anxiety kicked in so I had a panic attack and I almost.... died..... But, my family just piles on all of this anxiety and depression and self doubt and I don't know what to do. I'm only 15 so I can't really do anything....
*****sorry*****
Anyways sorry guys I just had to get this off my chest, but happier note next chapter of this if you want me to I'll do face reveal! <3