Los Altos

—So what's next? I'm thinkin about a little taster ... oh, lookit you!

—What?

—It's a little squirrel. Look how he's tappin on the window. Hey buddy! He's cute. Looks like someone gave him a pretzel.

—Ah, I hate those little bastards! No, just order the colorectal porter.

—What's that?

—It's the hops they use for Fat Tire.

—Oh, nice. Why do you hate squirrels?

—This's what happens when you chase off the coyotes and rattlesnakes.

—Oh come on,

—When the white man came to California, it wasn't the Indians were in charge, it was the fuckin grizzly bear.

—Oh god, yeah dude, the grizzly was,

—And the fuckin squirrels lived in fear and discipline. We shid be breeding rattlesnakes to eat up all those little bastards.

—I'm gonna try the colorectal porter. And what the gentleman's having.

—Cheers, man. I'll have the blonde. Thanks. So, look, so, when there was rattlesnakes and coyotes and bears, there wasn't all the squirrels or shit. It was like a garden.

—But rattlesnakes're mean! And all these suburbs,

—No! Rattlesnakes're peaceful! They don't wanna fight you. Now copperheads for example,

—Oh, copperheads're terrible.

—So, they only got eagles and hawks as their predators, which can come down from above, so he's like, fuck it, and he's aggressive and territorial. Like a sidewinder, yknow, they live in the desert, yknow up on dunes, where,

—Yeah, they're just totally mean.

—I dunno if they're mean, they live out where there's not a lot to eat. You got like two kindsa mice're stupid enough to live in the desert, and the occasional ... fuckin ... some kinda bird, like a roadrunner, so they don't have another choice other than to be aggressive, cause if he comes across somethin that fits innis mouth, yknow, he might not have another chance anytime soon.

Rattlesnakes, though, have a lotta predators. You got hawks, the king snake,

—Oh, the king snake!

—Watch. Which ay is resistant to rattlesnake venom, and bee fights and kills by constriction. So the rattlesnake's scared shitless of him. That's why you call him the king. You can hike right by one and he doesn't give a fuck about you. So there's no reason ever to run in with a rattlesnake cause he warns you. They're peaceful. A rattlesnake would rather go down in his hole and miss out, yknow, as try to fight you like a copperhead, cause they're territorial.

—My buddy stepped on one out in Santa Cruz, scared the shit outta both of them.

—Watch! Oh, thanks very much.

—Thanks.

—Watch. So, a king snake, you got one a those, you got no pests. No squirrels, no field mice, no nothing. And if you get too close, he'll just slender off. Like, oddviously if you tried to stomp on him he'd bite you. I mean, they only live way up off Metcalf Road,

—And if a rattlesnake bites you, you're fucked.

—Well, you'd be surprised. Try to get bit, if you gotta get bit, by a big old rattlesnake,

—Yeah, my buddie Earlie mentioned that when we were in Santa Cruz Dellaviayga playin some disc golf!

—Cause he'll give you a love tap. A little baby one, they've got no control over their venom, like, their venom glands, and a baby'll empty their clip into you, and yer fucked. But a old one, like a king snake, they just scare the shit outta you when they bite. Anyhow. I'll get yer next one cause we're celebrating. I'm about to hit it ... big.