Wait Stop!

7

"Mark you love me right?" I asked, cuddled up to Mark's chest and watching a documentary on aliens. "Sean of course I do! I love you with all my heart!" He kissed my forehead comfortingly. I smiled and kissed his jawline sweetly. I intertwined out hands together and stared at the beautiful diamond rings displayed on our ring fingers. "I love you too."

I woke up slowly. I looked up at the time on the dim clock on the bedside table. 3:27AM. I yawned and walked into the bathroom.

I stared at my reflection for a while. I look terrible. Even worse when Mark and I had that big argument a few years ago. The bags under my eyes were extremely dark. Bruises, red hand prints, and hickeys were littered over my body. I noticed I looked extremely bony. My hips stood out more. My wrists were dangerously small. My arms and legs were basically noodles. I may as well have a thigh gap. My cheek bones showed slightly. My collarbones were very noticeable. Everything I wore seemed to get baggier everyday.

There was one thing that Mark told me in high school. "Sometimes skinny isn't beautiful." At the time he said that, I was severely skinny and depressed. He was always the one who wanted to help. He always wanted to know how I was doing or if I was eating. He was always there for me.

But now he's not. He's only there when he needs a good fuck or needs to get his anger out.

I looked at my dull eyes. Mark loved my eyes. He said they were like oceans that surrounded him and pulled him into the water. He told me that whenever he stared at my eyes, it was like he drowning but he didn't wanna come up for air. He said they were always so sparkly, energetic, full of life, and more.

But now look at them. Bloodshot, glassy, and dull. No sparkles. No energy. No life. Calm, empty waters. Just nothing to them. Boring.. blue eyes.

I stood there. Standing in front of the mirror shaming my body. Shaming my personality. Shaming my life. Shaming my decisions. Shaming absolutely everything about myself.

Myself. I hated that word. It made me feel self centered. Narcissistic.

That's why I never take care of myself. I never ask how myself is doing. I hate myself.

Mark taught me how to love myself, my flaws, my body, my personality, my everything really. But now.. he shames me too. He calls me stupid. Useless. Unworthy. Slut. Whore. Bitch. Crybaby. Faggot.

W O R T H L E S S

He always tells me I'm worthless. "You're just a worthless piece of shit that nobody wants in this earth."

I hated the word worthless. I hate a lot of words. But.. worthless.. it had to be my top least favorite. It's just a small eight letter word that has such a big impact. Just the way people use it effects others so greatly.

I knew someone who killed themselves because all they heard from everyone was worthless. I tried my best to help but I couldn't save her. I still grieve over her.

Enough of that depressing shit. I decided to go back to bed.

I climbed back into bed. Mark's body rising and falling with every gentle breath.

I hate him. But I still love him.

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I limped my way to work. I didn't feel like going to work today. I was sore. And tired. And ready to die.

I was already late for work. But I didn't really care all that much.