The Reason

Dear whoever you are,

Everybody has a reason to live. A purpose. Something that they do to keep going. I haven't found mine.

I'm Claire. I am sixteen years old, and... I'm committing suicide. There are many reasons why, and I will get to them later on. For now, I will explain my life to you. 

I wake up every god damn morning, wishing that I hadn't. I try... I REALLY try to make these feelings go away. But... they won't. I can actually picture how I would do it. How I would slit my wrists and bleed out. Or.. hang myself from the balcony outside. Or maybe just overdose on my father's prescription drugs. All of them sound like a wonderful way to go. A wonderful way to get away. 

Now... here are some things that you should know. I'm pretty sure that I am depressed. But, I've never been to a doctor about it. My parents can't even tell what's going on. They think I am perfectly fine. Right now, they think that I am out with 'friends', when in reality, I'm sitting on the ledge of a bridge writing this letter to you. 

Whoever you are... Just please.. tell my family that I love them. That this wasn't their fault. I've been struggling for a while now, and I finally just realized that this is really what I want.

I am a very self-consious girl, and it doesn't help when my dad basically calls me fat every day. Or that none of the guys that I like, like me back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those girls that would kill themselves over a guy. It's just that it makes me feel worse when I find out that nobody likes me. 

I would like to see what it is like after you die. Are you with other deceased family members? Or are you just like a ghost.. floating around following people. Maybe there isn't even a after. Maybe you just disappear entirely. This all interests me. 

My parents are always telling me not to end up like my older brother and sister. That if I did, they would kick me out. But... the truth is... I already am like them. And, if they found out, I'd have nowhere to go. So, I might as well kill myself, right?

I guess what I really want to see is reactions. From my family... my friends... my crushes... Will they be glad that I am gone? Or will they grieve?

Maybe when I die, I'll be able to read people's minds. See what people really thought about me. That would be really cool.

So, I guess that you could say that I am doing this all for research. For reactions. For answers. 

For me.

I can finally be free, and not have to worry about all of this anymore. 

If you're still reading this... thank you. I really appreciate it. Now, go tell my family that I love them. Here's their address:

2558 N. Jefferson St.

If they aren't home, which is highly possible, here's my mom's number.

360-5864

Thanks, again.

Claire