Snow: After Allegiant

Chapter 2

What? I think. There is no way I would, even could, be in charge of our entire country. I have always been a leader, I know that. But a whole country?

“Wh-what? Why me?” I have one thousand questions, but that is all I manage to stammer out. I know I am not stable enough for a position like that. I’ve had too much pain in my life, too much aggression. I am not someone you’d want in charge of all those people.

Johanna basically reads my mind, “You’re a leader, Tobias. You always have been. And they want someone with leadership skills like yours,” she smiles up at me. “You’ve been through so much. You’re one of the wisest people I know, and you’re only twenty-two years old.”

I look away. I don’t agree with this, but I know she’s right.

“Sleep on it,” she says. “Come talk to me in a couple days.”

“I will,” I say. With that, I walk out of her room and out of the hospital. I don’t know where to go, or what I should do, but I just need time. I need time to think this all over.

The whole country? The thought scares me, like even the idea of caring for so many people could actually hurt them. I can’t accept that responsibility, I’m not strong enough for it. I shake my head and keep walking.

***

Before I can even realize what I’m doing, I find myself here again. The one place I come whenever I need to think, whenever I’m confused; or whenever I’m hurting again.

I start to climb.

The metal ladder feels familiar under my fingers. I have climbed this ferris wheel so many times since that first time during capture the flag. That was the first time I ever touched her, and I felt electricity buzz through my fingertips, through my whole body. I used to be afraid of the height, but she loved it. Now it is a distraction from the truth, a way to escape reality.

I climb until I reach the break in the wheel, where I can stop. I sit on the cold metal, and I look up at the stars. I remember when she sat here next to me, and I felt like I was going to melt.

Now my bones feel like ice.

“God, I miss you, Stiff,” I smile and look at the sky. I know that, wherever she is, she can hear me. I wonder if there is a life after death, and if there is, whether she thinks about me, too. I can’t imagine someone like Tris dying and staying in darkness forever. She has to be somewhere looking down on us all.

“I really hate you for leaving me here,” I say. “You tore me apart. You could’ve at least warned me. But you always did walk head-on into things, so I guess I should’ve expected it. I should have known, and I should have protected you.” Tears well up in my eyes. Whoever said that grief recedes over the years, that it gets easier, was lying.

It has never gotten easier.

Maybe if I had expected it, she would’ve still been here. Maybe it would have been me that hit the button and gave my life. Or maybe I would have just let Caleb do it. Maybe Tris and I would both be okay, and we would see each other again, because we never actually had a real goodbye. Maybe we would stay together, and promise each other everything. Maybe we’d grow up and have kids, and just be happy.

But happy endings don’t really exist, do they? And I have never been an exception when it comes to luck.

She was only sixteen when she died, she was still just a baby. She had so much life left to live. But I guess fate had different plans for her than I did.

I climb down from the ferris wheel and start walking home. I could drive back and forth if I wanted to, but I don’t like to. I’d rather walk outside with the fresh air and the stillness.