Once upon a Nursery Rhyme

It happened again

The first thing I thought of when I woke the next morning was the notebook, I had dreamt that it would lead me to Clara and I would be hailed as a hero, why can't really life be like our dreams? I couldn't resist, I had to look at the notebook.

I took a deep breath and continued to read.....

I can't believe it, at first I had convinced myself that I had imagined the whole episode, things returned to normal and even Henry's concerned looks were starting to fade.

But now.............

It happened again, 1 minute Connie was asleep in her cot and the next time I look she's gone. I searched the house and garden thoroughly - she was nowhere to be found.

I mean, she is 6 months old, she can't yet walk, yet in my mind she is climbing out of windows, scaling walls, walking down stairs, unlocking bolted doors - doors I might add that would be impossible for her to open, let alone unlock.

But there again, It is impossible that she has gone again - Am I going mad?

No one has been here, no one has called at the house, so logically no one can have taken her, besides I was only gone for a few minutes, not enough time for someone to come in and take her without me knowing.

This time I didn't call either the Police or Henry, I don't want them to give me 'that look' you know the one, the 'oh oh an unhinged person look.' I am terrified something terrible has happened, you hear such terrible stories, whatever I do will be wrong, I called the police, I was wrong to do so but if I don't. ........

That's it, I have made a decision, I have decided to wait for Henry to come home, he will know what to do, if he calls the police they will believe him.

That's when I hear her gurgling in the bedroom, I am delighted,but at the same time terrified. What is happening to us? Is it me? am I blacking out and imagining the whole thing? Am I safe to be left along with my baby?

I know how she feels.

I try speaking to Henry, he doesn't believe me, I can see it in his eyes. he thinks I am neurotic or post natal - he refuses to believe me. It never happens when he is here, It must be me.

I can really feel for the poor woman, I want to shout 'it's happening to me too - your not alone', but I somehow sense she can't or won't hear me. The next few pages are normal unexciting day to day events, and I can sense her starting to relax once again and then .....

I can't believe what has just happened, we were sitting happily singing 'round and round the garden, like a teddies bear, one step, two step and tickly under there' Connie loves that rhyme, she starts laughing before I get to the 'tickly under there bit' when the excitement became too much and she fell asleep in my arms, I am always amazed when they do that.

The next thing I became aware of , was a strange sort of prickly sensation, it's hard to explain, it's a bit like pins and needles, I tried flexing my toes to see if that would help, then I am lying in a beautiful garden, I could smell the roses, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, I was in the middle of a hedge maze, it was so peaceful, I was enjoying the moment, when I heard a babyish giggle - it was Connie, I would know that sound anywhere, instantly I was on high alert, Connie was my priority, where was she? Where is my baby?, I looked around wildly and spotted her being carried along by.....

It sounds surreal now I come to write it, but it looked like a giant version of her much loved teddy bear Rowley, no it was her Rowley, we seem to have shrink down in size or he's grown, I can't explain how I knew I just did.

Rowley took great care as he carried her around and around, each time he called out 'one step.....'
' twoooooooo step.....' then came her giggles ,

and ' tickerly under there' hysterics.

I had an urge to be near her, to protect her as she was being carried around even though I could see Rowley taking the greatest care of her, and Connie was happy.

''Connie'' I shouted ''Connie, it's mummy, I'm coming" I ran to catch up. It took a few attempts but finally I was out of the maze and Rowley and Connie were before me.

Connie saw me, her beautiful little face lit up when she saw me, then in a blink of an eye we were back at home, Rowley was on the bed, normal size, Connie was crying because she was wet and needed changing.

I can't understand it, was it a dream? Is Henry right? Am I neurotic? Who can I trust? Should I see a doctor or a specialist? I don't feel ill.

"No" I told Clara's picture "you were not neurotic or post natal, or anything else Henry told you, and you certainly don't need doctors or specialists, please don't tell me you are in some kind od psychiatric hospital and your disappeance a fabrication by Henry. No, I don't believe Henry would do that his grief is too .......real.

If you are neurotic or having a breakdown, then I am too, and I don't believe I am, well I'm certainly not post natal at any rate "

It was a strange feeling - a sort of guilty, happy feeling , I feel guilty because I shouldn't be happy because what was happening to me, had happened to her. But I was.

I was glad the Clara had visited 'dreamland' as I had taken to calling it, although from her description not the same place as I had visited, I am so glad I didn't have giant teddies, I think I would have freaked. At least she had some idea of where Connie was disappearing too.

I got distracted, thinking about the rhyme, How do you go round a garden like a teddy bear? Is it a special way of walking, do you have to growl? What on earth is the rhyme about anyway?

I put the notebook away safely, I had a few jobs to do before Henry and Connie returned, I didn't want to read it all in one go, I needed to absorb the information, add it to what I already knew , try and make sense of it, one thing I was sure of, I definitely didn't want Henry finding it.