The Coffin Maker

PART TWO, Chapter 12

James Robert and Victoria were unaccustomed to rising early. The funeral service began at eleven and they had agreed that the optimum time to burgle the house began shortly thereafter. It was a hot and sticky morning. They dressed as grieving family members. James Robert wore a blazer and a pair of gray pants he bought at Kohl's, Victoria sported a black tube dress with a matching cap and a birdcage veil. Black leather, kitten heel shoes and a finger-ring clutch purse completed her ensemble. Only an idiot would not recognize she was going to a funeral but while she waited on the sidewalk for James Robert to arrive in the stolen car, a young man leaned out the window of a passing pickup belonging to some insignificant contractor, gave a catcall and wiggled his tongue in rude gesture. Normally, she might have yelled something in response but her attire made her feel in character and she resisted the temptation. She was however, growing impatient waiting for James Robert when she heard a noise in the distance like a car with a hole in its muffler. The sound got louder and louder and finally James Robert stopped at the curb in a '68 Camaro coupe with a rear spoiler. He reached across to open the passenger door and Victoria got in.

"I heard you coming a block away! What's up?" she asked.

"The muffler's shot. We'll ditch it and get another one later."

"Where did you get it?" she queried, more than a little annoyed.

"From the parking lot beside an auto repair shop."

"You stole a car in for repair?"

"They won't notice it missing for hours."

"Too bad they didn't have one with a flashing red light on the roof!" said Victoria sarcastically, trying to suppress her disbelief. "What were you thinking?" Once she started, she could not hold back. "Sometimes, I just don't know about you, Jimbo. I get dressed for this caper and you come along in this piece of shit. I thought the plan was to pull into a classy neighborhood without attracting attention. We might as well have a fucking marching band with us!"

"I'll get us another ride after. I promise," said James Robert.

They drove for a few minutes without further talk when Victoria spotted a drive-thru and said, "Buy me a coffee."

James Robert pulled into the drive-thru. While they were waiting, Victoria looked in the passenger side mirror and noticed the same contractor's pickup truck that had passed her earlier while she was on the sidewalk. It was a few vehicles behind and she could see the jerk that had yelled the obscenity, incessantly talking and laughing. He had his arm out the open window. The anger from James Robert's blunder still circulated in her veins and she got an idea.

"Jimbo, order me a large soda, extra ice," said Victoria.

"Instead of the coffee?"

"No, plus the coffee. Just order it."

James Robert spoke into the intercom, inched forward to pay and pulled up to the window to get his order. The server handed James Robert the coffee and the soda and he handed them to Victoria.

"Wait here," said Victoria. She got out of the Camaro holding the soda in her hand and started walking back in the lineup toward the pickup.

"Hey, look! It's your woman in black, Jimmy. Now's your chance!" said the man behind the wheel. The occupants waited in puzzled anticipation while Victoria approached the truck. Peeling the plastic lid off the soda, she announced, "I brought a drink to cool down that hot cock of yours." She extended her arm through the window and emptied the contents of the cup into the lap of the harasser who wriggled and squirmed at the shock of it. His truck mates sent up a roar of laughter. Victoria looked at the jerk's colleagues and said, "Have a nice day, boys!" and walked back to the Camaro.