In Memory of Cassie

Funerals and Alcoholic drinks

Life is a continuous cycle of birth and death. One person is born, another dies. Death is not unknown to us. We all know that each of us has our own expiration date. Although we may not know it, death is all around us. In order for someone to live something must die. It is a continuous cycle in the food chain.

I watch as the two caskets are being buried down. I watch as the people around me throw roses on the coffin. I watch as the people I hardly knew cried tears I could not conjure.

I watch as they spoke words of condolences. I watch as they take the memories with them. All I can do is watch. I've never felt so powerless before, so useless. My thoughts fill me with regrets, emptiness has consumed me and I can't feel anything. I feel so numb, so empty, a part of my heart is buried together with them.

A part of me felt angry, why were they taken? They've done no wrong. Even the weather was perfect as if the heavens were smiling down on us. I wanted to scream until my throat goes sore. Until my lungs gave out. Until I can no longer speak, but what good will it do me? 

Julie taps my shoulder "Cassie" She spoke my name. I looked up at her all the sorrow, pain and anger in my eyes reflected in her sunglasses.

I came to a sudden realization, They're dead and no matter how hard I refuse to accept it reality has spoken and no matter how long I try to convince myself they're not dead the two piles of dirt is a reminder that they're gone. 

Julie pulls me into a tight hug and I can feel tears stream down her eyes underneath those sunglasses. She cried for me. She cried the tears I could not cry. She cried for my sorrow. She cried for my loss and at this moment I've never thought of such a good friend who would be with me at my worst. I've found someone I can truly treasure, someone I can trust, yet someone I can lose again.

I don't want to lose anyone again. I don't want to experience the same thing I've experienced today.

Julie let go of me. Her sunglasses are now on top of her forehead as she wiped tears from her now swollen eyes.

"I'm sorry Cassie" She muttered. Those words no longer hold any meaning when repeated over and over again. I smiled at her sadly. She interlocks her elbow with mine as she led me away.

I let Julie take me away. I let her lead me back into her car. I let her take me to her house because she knows I've got no where else to go. All I could do was stare blankly ahead. I don't want to think. I don't want to remember so I tried the best that I could to conjure up an expressionless face to keep my face blank hoping that it'll keep my mind blank too.

I sat down at their sofa in the living room. The funeral was over. The reception was over and I have no where else to go. No more house to go home to. Julie handed me a glass of water.

"Here, you should drink up" She said. I nodded and drank it all in one shot. The water couldn't relieve the ache in my chest. It couldn't relieve the burden I've felt.

"You can stay here for as long as you'd like. I've already talked to my parent's they'd already accepted" She said. I nodded at her. The thing I felt envious about Julie right now is the part that everyone in her family is alive. A family I once had.

"I've never even told them I loved them" I murmur. She hugged me again.

Julie lives in a huge mansion so it isn't that much of a problem that I'm crashing at their house.  Aside from the huge house, Julie also has four big brothers which were all in college but the youngest brother is currently staying with us

Julie led me to my room which was bigger than my own and more spacious. Apparently Julie went back to my house to get me some of my stuff. I couldn't go back in there. I couldn't stand every inch of that house knowing it'll only bring back memories of the dead.