Synacky~Just Not To Your Face

could have said hi first... (2)

ZACHARY BAKER. | INBOX | (5) Messages | (1) Replies | (12) Drafts | (5) Folders

:NEW MESSAGE:

Date: 05.04.11                                                                          Time: 00:56:01 PM

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To: Brian Haner (SYN_GATES_@outlock.com)

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From: Zacky Baker  (vengeance_6661@bluezone.com)

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Hi. Could have said hi first.

Syn.

Your talent is always extraordinary. You always manage to surprise me with your admiringly beautiful expressions of love and cherish. I just wish that you just showed me all those you things that you claim that we have. Or more importantly; Had.

I wish that I could remember those things you describe just as colorful and wonderful as you do, but I can’t.  You’re right, I was in pain. I’m still in pain. Maybe I’m also in some sort of denial? I don’t know.

I just know that my illness will never leave me. In addition, that you didn’t support me the way you should have. I waited for you to do that, prove that connection we had through our souls, like you described in other words. I don’t know how to hit the buttons you seem to be able to find. I’m sorry about that for some odd reason..

I don’t know if you ever had the courage to take care of me through this..  I waited every night, every day for you.. Hoped that it would become better with time.. Time. It’s the only thing that I wish I had, my friend. Oh no Bri, I could never hate you. Cause I did this to myself and to you too.  Scratch that.

For myself. For you too.

No. She ain’t you in any way. Not even close. She won’t kiss my cheek every night, she won’t sing me a lullaby when my pain is like glass cutting through my bones.

But she says the words I need to hear.. sometimes.. She did that when I met her.

I’m caught in the middle. One part of me wants to believe it when you say that “someone” Put you in a bad light. I wish that what she said wasn’t true Brian, but she.. she was painfully right.  Have you any idea of the darkness I was facing when I realized she was right? I loved you Brian, and I know you remember, because we fought about that so many times. Oh god.  I can’t say it… I’m sorry.

Making love.. Don’t say that.

Well. Now it’s a new glow in my once so familiar eyes. I know that I will live this life to the fullest. I’m not gonna stay here to wait for a hopeless apology that screams of desperation.

Because its all just despair. Everything you write here.. its not true. I can’t believe it, because I will break again. This time into even smaller pieces of glass. The pieces will become sand again because they will be that small. They will be worn down into nothing. Just like our love.

Rivers. Rivers? My tears are already forming oceans, and you haven’t seen them yet. You’ve not understood anything at all. This is selfish what you do here. You didn’t think about me. You only fought for your own desperation. No I’ve never forget anything of it, Brian. That’s the worst part of it all.

Or what the hell am I saying? Its not the worst part. The worst part is that it’s all gone.

Why are you doing this?

ZV

 I love you too…