handshakes (boyxboy)

two

When I woke up the next day, I felt weaker than normal. I felt hungry, actually, but I passed that feeling off quickly. Being hungry was something I was very much used to and had conditioned myself to forget about it so I didn't have to eat. Genuinely, I really did not like eating. I felt like a pig scoffing down its slop and the very thought of it all made me avoid it all in general. I couldn't do that, though, with the way my parents (and Kellin) were. The first thing they would ask me is if I ate enough for the day and almost always my answer would be a silent shrug before they set food in front of me and turned away while I ate. I didn't understand how they weren't sick of me yet.

When I got downstairs, my mom was in the kitchen making some coffee. I saw a bowl with cream of wheat and a spoon sitting next to it, Mike eating the same thing in the seat next to it.

"Good morning," I mumbled and sat down in the empty chair.

"Good morning, honey," my mom came around and gave me a kiss on the forehead that I quickly wiped off and pushed the bowl towards me. "You have to eat this and try to keep it down, please,"

I looked at the food with great distaste. Even if I didn't have an eating disorder, who would want to eat that? It just looked like... mush. I felt my stomach growl and I quickly squeezed it to stop the aching. I got it, I got it; I have to eat. I reluctantly picked up the spoon and shoveled some of the food in my mouth. Sometime soon, the bowl was empty and I was upstairs getting ready for the day.

Tryouts were today and I was more nervous than I ever was. Why? I had no idea and I could never explain it. It was my fourth year, I had been a starting varsity player since freshman year, and I was good; there was no way I couldn't make the team. And yet, every year I would get the absolute worst butterflies in my stomach for the entire day.

As I walked downstairs for the final time today, I heard Kellin's voice in the kitchen. He was talking to my mom about me, of course.

"Make sure he eats lunch, okay?" My mom said. Kellin agreed and I rounded the corner, coming into my mom's view.

"Okay, stop talking about me so we can go already," I said with a huff. Kellin spun around and slung his arm over my shoulders, pushing towards the door.

"But, you're just so cute, V! How could I not talk about you?" I blushed and felt as my heart beat up, but Kellin didn't mean it in an endearing way... Sometimes, though, I wish he did...

When we arrived at school, Mike included, Kellin was almost immediately being called away by another person.

"Gross, it's Flynn," Mike said as he got out of the car with his backpack lazily slung around one shoulder. He was such a negative guy, I didn't understand why he even bothered with people sometimes.

"I don't mind him," I shrugged. Kellin waved to Flynn and told him he would be right there. Meanwhile, I took a step in the other direction and attempted to walk off. However, I didn't even get two steps in before Kellin grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him.

"Aren't you forgetting something, V?" I looked up at him and sighed, holding out my pinky to begin our handshake's motion. When we finished, Kellin had a stupid smile plastered on his face. "Okay, I will see you at lunch to make sure you eat. Mama's orders,"

---

The school day was fine despite my anxiety. When lunch came around, I ate under Kellin's useless supervision but was calmed down by his presence at the same time, something I was really thankful for. He always made me feel safe, really. Soon enough, it came time for tryouts and I found myself waiting for Kellin near the gym. Usually, we went down to the locker room together and caught up about our days then. It was taking Kellin longer than usual, though, and I was beginning to think he forgot about me.

A few minutes later, Kellin came but he was accompanied by one of his other friends. I forgot his name, but I knew we had met once or twice before at a party or something. He said goodbye to Kellin, giving him a hug in the process, and gave me a nod of acknowledgement before leaving. A ping of jealousy went through me. Normally I didn't mind what Kellin did, but for some reason seeing that made me upset.

"What is his name again?" I asked without looking at Kellin.

"Bryce, why?" I shrugged. "Uh-oh, is someone jealous?" Kellin threw his arms around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, jokingly of course. I pushed him off and wiped the kiss from my face, walking ahead into the locker room to change.

"V, I'm joking," he assured me, but my heart just dropped instead of feeling a sense of relief. "Are you alright?"

"Right as rain. Let's just hurry up and change,"

When we got onto the field, Coach and everyone else was waiting for me and Kellin. Within no time, we began tryouts. It was pretty easy and the nerves I felt going into it were practically nonexistent ten minutes in. I was beginning to see it as practice considering Mike and one other were the only new players. I like playing soccer because I didn't think while playing it. On the field, I was only a player whose main objective was to get around people and score; I wasn't a sexually confused 18 year old senior, I was a striker who scored as many points as he could with the help of Kellin.

Kellin and I had been playing soccer together since we were born, basically. It was another reason we were so close, aside from our parents going to school and raising us together. He and I were different during it, though. Kellin was much more competitive, a real leader. He would always bond the team together in a way that was reliable. Of course, though, he and I always had our own special bond. At the same time, I was not loud or willingly aggressive when I played soccer. I just did the best I could and a little extra. I liked it when my head was clear and I could use all the power in my short, toned legs to kick the ball far. It made me feel... free?

Within no time, two hours flew by and I was circled up with everyone else in the middle of the field as Coach talked to us as a team.

"Alright, I won't really make any cuts this year, but I want everyone doing their very best. Kellin, as you all know, is captain again," a small applause was given to Kellin, but he hushed everyone up. Despite what it seemed, Kellin did not like having the attention on him all the time. It still found its way to him, though. "We have practice on Monday at 3, so be ready and on the field, doing your laps," Coach dismissed us. Kellin and I slowly walked together, with Mike in tow, to the car.

"So, Mike, are you excited?" I asked to make some conversation. He shrugged.

"I guess. I like playing and all, but I just haven't really talked to any of the other guys,"

"Don't worry!" Kellin chimed in. "You will soon. We are pretty close and accepting," When he said that, something in my heart settled. I felt at ease for a moment and I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. It wasn't until we made it to the car, however, that my breath was caught again as Kellin firmly placed his hands around my own to alert me. "Vic!"

"K-Kellin, what do you need?"

"Come with me to a party tonight?" I rolled my eyes and slumped backwards on the car. Mike was already inside and on his phone.

"Kellin, no. I don't want to,"

"Please," his fingers brushed over mine and I felt my cheeks heat up quickly. My heart did a hard beat and I looked away. "I want you to go,"

"Fine, just, let go of me," Kellin cheered before he ran to the other side of the car and got in. Once again, I caught my breath. I think I... liked boys... But worst of all, I think I liked Kellin.