Twinkling Thorns

Chapter 6

It's been two months since I received that box of photos. Two months that I've spent looking over my shoulder, paranoid and worried about my sanity.
  I've kind of just forgotten about it or at least that's what I tried to convince myself into believing.

Right now the group and I were out bowling. Alec was currently winning but I was coming in a close second with James third followed by the rest of the group.

"Babe this is seriously bruising my ego. You shouldn't be beating me right now." James said while holding me from behind and placing a soft kiss on my shoulder.

"Suck it babe."

"No thanks, but I know something that you can suck." He replied back with a sly smirk.

"Gross babe.  Maybe later though" I winked, while walking away to take my turn.

At the end of the game Alec had won, I had come second and James and Sasha had tied for third. Let's just say that James was not very happy to have lost to his girlfriend.

After bowling James decided that he wanted to take me on an impromptu date.  Nothing major really, we just went to a less than fancy restaurant and ate some less than fancy food while I laughed at all his jokes and pretended that everything was okay.

I sat there pretending that I was still in love with him. I mean, maybe I was. I don't know anymore. I've always been afraid of this feeling that comes with love, falling in love is the easy part, but that feeling of falling out of love or having someone else fall out of love with you is enough to drive anyone crazy.

I don't know how or why this happened but I hope I can fix it before I fall apart - before we fall apart, all because of me. I mean it's not like I'm into someone else, I'm just not sure of my feelings anymore and that sucks.

-
Later on that night James had dropped me off at home and I'd managed to get out of my head long enough to give him a goodbye kiss and pretend that everything was alright.

When I got into my room I somehow managed to shower and change into sleepwear before getting into bed where I didn't even manage to get a wink of sleep.

-

"You look like shit" was the fist thing Alec had said to me when I got to school the next morning.

"Thanks ....dick" I grimly replied while making my way to my locker with him following closely behind.

"How much sleep did you get last night ?"
"Close to none."
"Are you okay?"

It was a simple question. One that I didn't know the answer to. Sometime over the last few weeks I stopped being able to distinguish the difference between being okay and not being okay and so I settled for the most generic response when someone is asked that question.

"I'm fine" I said with a weak smile.
"Cut the bullshit,  I know you better than that. What's wrong"

And because I didn't have it in me to muster up another lie I settled for a half truth -"I guess my past is starting to catch up with me."- 

And maybe it was the fact that Alec knew what I was talking about or the look in my eyes when I said it but he looked at me, settled for an "okay", and gave me a hug that I didn't know I neeeded until then.

"What's with all the grim looks" Lucas shouted as he walked closer to us.

"I'm just tired Lucas."
After a shared look with Alec and an understanding had somehow passed through them, he also settled for a hug instead.

And I had never been more grateful to have such good friends who understood me without me having to say much.

-

School took forever to end and when it finally did I was ready to go home and sleep my life away but I guess James had other plans.

He followed me home so we could spend the rest of the afternoon together.

"Baby can we take a nap together I'm really tired?" I asked as we walked into my always empty house.

He pushed me a against the door as I closed it, kissed me lightly and said "but that's a waste of time when we could be doing so much more"

Without waiting for my answer, he picked me up and carried me to my room where he wasted no time in getting rid of both of our clothes.

And as I lay there while he mercilessly thrust into me, I tried to pass off my fake moans for real ones and I tried to act like I was into whatever this was.

And as he moaned and groaned my name a couple of times and when he whispered things like :

"You feel so good."
"Your body has been driving me crazy this whole day"
"I've been thinking about this the whole day"
"Cum for me, scream my name, tell me that you love me"

I realised then that he was also looking for closure of some sort from me. He had also noticed how distnant I had become over the past three weeks. And somewhere deep in him he thought that this intimacy between us what the only way to fix what was happening.

That by fucking me senseless every day was the only way to repair the space that I was causing between us. And as selfish as I was, I wasn't going to let him stop, I was going to let him keep thinking that this was fixing me, us, him.

And as we both came undone together, I realised that it had stopped  being about emotions with us, at least that's that way I felt. It has started to become something only physical, and like a fool he still whispered that he loved me after we both came down from our high and like the selfish person that I am I still said those three words back to him.