"I'm going to shower and then we need to talk'' I say to James after breakfast. I've never been so happy that his family is away for the next two weeks. It's not that I don’t like his family, it's just makes it less awkward for what I'm about to do. I'm using the need for a shower as an excuse to continue being a coward for as long as possible.
"What did you want to talk about." James asks, a nervous look on his face, "are you finally ready to tell me why you’ve been so distant and cold.'' I can tell by his tone that he is both nervous about what I have to say and pissed off by my actions.
"well" I pause not knowing exactly how to say what I'm about to say, how do you break a persons heart after two years of loving them. And I do still love him, just not in the way I should. " I know you noticed that I've been distant lately and honestly I've just been thinking a lot. About us and about life in general."
"I'm broken, and I know it, and you know it too-"
"You're not broken, what would make you think that I feel that way about you, I love you ju-"
I raise my hand to stop him before he says to much and I chicken out of completing my speech.
"I am broken. But I also don’t need you to try and fix me, I know that it would make you happy to be the one to help me get rid of my nightmares and my demons but you can't" I look at him before carrying on with my speech but the sight in front of me hurts me more than it should, he looks so broken and vulnerable. I've never seen so much emotion behind his eyes, his eyes are usually either full of lust or blank. He looks at me as if he wants to speak but doesn’t quite know what to say to me.
"What I'm trying to say is that, we can't be together anymore, we don’t work and I'm tired of feeling like a project to you. You're always trying to fix me and you have to admit that the past two months has been a cycle of you feeling like I was falling out of love with you and using sex to try and fuck me back into loving you." he looks like he wants to protest but the look on my face must tell him exactly how desperate I am took to finish my little speech.
"No matter how much sex we have, it won't change how I feel and I-I I don’t love you anymore, at least not in the way you need me to love you, I love you in a 'I want you to be happy kind of way' but I know that can't be me'' the tears are fighting to pour out of my eyes. I don't dare look at him because I'm barely holding it together as it is, and I know that looking into his eyes would break any resolve I have left.
"look at me," he says while cupping my face in his hands and tilting my head to look at him. " I love you and I guess I would be more hurt had I not seen this coming."
"You make me the happiest guy in the world and the last two years have been amazing but I can't ask you to stay with me if you don’t love me, it's not fair to both of us." his words hurt me more than they should. I wish I could love him but I don’t, how could I get so lucky to find someone who would love me even after I just ripped his heart out.
He doesn’t make it easy to break his heart when his so understanding, I wish he would break something or yell at me like his done in the past whenever he was mad at me. Something is off about his reaction, he's never been this understanding about anything that he didn’t agree with, I especially didn’t expect him to be calm when I'm breaking up with him.
He doesn’t ease my suspicions when he opens his mouth to speak again, " I want us to at least try and stay friends but I'm going to need time and space, I don't know how much, but I just need time to process everything that’s happening.'' he looks at me with tears in his eyes and this scares me even more, I've never seen him cry, I've seen him lustful, angry and even loving occasionally but I've never seen him cry. I'm scared but I do my best to show it.
"I hope you find someone who will chase away your nightmares, and maybe one day it can be me. But if not, I'll be happy for you either way." he gives me one last kiss on my lips and my forehead, stands up and walks away. I hear his bedroom door shut and I take that as my que to leave, I was smart to pack away everything of mine that I had previously left in his house after my shower and put it in my car.
I feel a huge sense of relief as I get into my car and drive home. I'm sad and terrified but it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest
YOU ARE READING
Twinkling Thorns
Teen Fiction"You can't escape me. I'll always be there. Haunting you. When you finally find happiness I'll show up and take it away from you, so that you know that people like you don't get to be happy.You deserve to rot, just like me" he said. "There's no wher...
