Twinkling Thorns

Chapter 7

"How have you and James been lately, I've noticed the distance between you two but I wasn't sure if I should bring it up" Alec asked. We were sitting in his room after school and I was getting ready for a night out with our friends.

"I don't love him anymore Alec" I said sadly while finishing off my eyeliner, " I mean, I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't know when I fell out of love but I can't keep pretending.'' 

He stayed quite as I spoke and waited for me to finish, " He's noticed it too, not that I've fallen out of love but that I've been different. He thinks the more he fucks me the more I'll love him. I finish and stand up to pack my makeup away and put my shoes on.

"Break up with him."

"I know it's not that simple-" he interjects before I interrupt. " I know that you two have been together for two year but you can't deny the fact that he's cheated on you multiple times."

" He's not with you because he's in love with you, I mean I know he loves you in his own twisted way but I think he sees you as something he can consume and control, he sees you as a project that he can fix and you deserve so much more than that." the frustration is written clearly on his face as he says this.

I know that James sees me as project. He thinks that if he can get me to open up about the reason behind my nightmares, that if can understand why I am the way I am, he can make the pain go away but he can't. the person haunting my dreams is still alive and out there and until he's dead, I won't be able to find peace.

I don’t know what to tell Alec, his frustration with the dynamic of James and I's relationship has been bothering him since it started. I settle for a simple "I know." and head out of his room towards my car so we can head out. I decided not to drink tonight so I can drive home if I get sick of the clubbing scene.

Alec and I agreed to meet everyone at the club. James was upset that I didn’t want to get ready at his house but I just needed sometime away from him to think, and plus I knew Alec was going to attempt to give me advice and even though I don’t say it, I really appreciate his advice. 

"It's about damn time, we've been waiting." Mona yells over the music as soon as she spots us.

"You look ravishing babe, what do you say we get out of here" James says as he plants a kiss on my cheek.

"You're an idiot" I do my best to fake a laugh and bring my lips to his. "Why is everyone still sober? Lets get you bitches drunk"

"It's no fun when you don't drink  with us" Sasha pouts and stomps her foot like an angry toddler and then bursts out laughing.

"I know but I'm just not in the mood to drink tonight.''

A few drinks later, non-alcoholic of course, and dancing for hours, or for what seems like hours. I've tried my best to avoid James. He knows that something is wrong and I know his patience is running thin and sooner or later I'll have to speak to him but for now I would like to continue being a coward. Yet here I am, in the corner of the club with James as he drunkenly caresses and kisses me, trying to persuade me to tell him what's wrong.

I know I should end things with him, but I can't. Not now at least, not while he's drunk and appears to be so in love with me.  I know he loves  me, I'd be a fool not to see it, but I also know that he doesn’t love me in a healthy  way, I can feel his obsession with me, his obsession of trying to fix me, to make me whole. It isn't healthy for either of us, I'm not some project that he can fix and make better and I need someone who is going to love me and all my broken pieces.

And so I kiss him in the dirty booth at the back of the club. I kiss him with everything in me, I kiss him with the promise that I'll let him take me home to try and fuck me back into loving him, I kiss him with the promise that tomorrow I'll end things, tomorrow I'll break his heart, tomorrow I'll set my heart free.