Melancholy & Memories; Ongniel

IX. Stifle

I reached into my pocket with my left hand, holding Daniel's hand with my right. He looked at me, innocence and curiosity written all over his face. Grabbing what I needed to, I pulled my hand out of my pocket and placed it on his now open hands. My one-way flight ticket. I was leaving for America the next morning. Daniel's mouth hung agape, his eyes wide open. He turned to me, speechless.

"Daniel I..I'm," he cuts me off before I could finish saying what I wanted to.

"Why, why would you do this?" Daniel said in disbelief, almost shouting, as he buries his face in his palms.

"No Danie,l I..."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No Daniel, I..."

"Seongwu-ah please tell me what I did wrong," he said, paranoia engulfing him.

"You did nothing wrong," I managed to say without being interrupted, taking him into my arms.

As he pulled back, I saw his eyes begin to glisten in the light. This time, I rest his head on my shoulder. I felt my shirt turn damp then wet. Throughout the five years Daniel and I have spent together, this has probably been only the fifth time I've seen him cry. I was about to let the tears all flow when I told myself no. No. I have to be the strong one now. I have to be strong for myself. I have to be strong for Daniel. He's been my rock for as long as I can remember and now it's my turn. I rest my head on his shoulder, hugging him, preparing my explanation to the best of my ability.

"Daniel, you know I love you, I've never loved anyone as much as you, and because I love you, I'm leaving. I know it's hard but please try to understand why. A few days ago, my parents found out about me, about us. I sat through their harsh, malicious comments thinking they wouldn't get to me at all, but it did. Daniel I...I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt so embarrassed, I was disgusted. You don't deserve this Daniel. You don't deserve to be with someone who isn't proud of dating you. You don't deserve to be with someone who's embarrassed of loving you. You don't deserve to be with me, Daniel, because you deserve someone so much better. You deserve to be with someone who dares to hold your hand in public, not caring what anyone would think. You deserve to be with someone who shows you off to their parents, indifferent to what they might say. I know I don't deserve you because I can't be that person Daniel, I don't think I'll ever . I love you so much I can't stand to see someone like me be with someone as amazing as you. Daniel you were the best thing that's happened to me...but I don't deserve that. I need some time alone in a new place, to come to terms with myself and accept myself. I don't know if I'll ever be back but know this, I'll never stop loving you Daniel."

I stopped myself from continuing and ended it there as I knew a word more and tears would rush out like a waterfall. I bit my lip trying to stop that from happening. Daniel was still silent. The only thing I could hear was his stifled sobs. He took his head off my shoulder, eyes puffy and red. As I tried to wipe away the tears on his face with my fingers, he grabs my hand and pulls it away.

"N..no, stop it,"