L.if.E (BoyxBoy)

Guilt, Remorse and Retribution

[Authors Note: Well this chapter took a lot out of me as it bought back a fair few memories I thought I had supressed.  A couple of dark moments in here, though I have left out quite a bit of the bleaker moments and thoughts at the time.

Hope you enjoy it and if so please help me get a few more votes/comments or fans :-) ]

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As I awoke, I found myself wrapped around the back of Pete, his blonde tousled waves of hair tickling the bridge of my nose and his slowly expanding and contracting frame informing me that he was still sleeping.

I also felt the pressure of Stuart’s chest in a similar rhythm moving against my back, and his left arm resting over mine, which was repeating the same position over Pete's arm.

 I couldn’t at first get my thoughts and memories together, and felt unsure about what had happened, and what had got us into this current situation.

I gently moved Stuart’s arm and pushed myself up onto my right elbow, trying to recount through the easing fog of residual sleep, what had happened.

It was then that the guilt crept in and rapidly engulfed my consciousness. Shit, what had I done. Please God make this not be true.

I could hear my father now storming around the room asking how could I have given in to such immoral actions and thoughts.

Oh God, why couldn’t I just be ‘Normal’ like everyone else?

Some of the voices in my head repeated the immoral line, whilst others made grand statements like,

“I know, it’s like people say, it’s just a phase I am going through”

“That’s it I have experienced something nice but ‘Not Normal’, an experiment, but I am yet to experience the pleasures of ‘Normal’ love and ecstasy, and this will obviously change me back to being ‘Normal’”.

Yes, that’s it!

Okay, Okay, who am I kidding?

I am ‘Normal’, as normal as anyone else, it isn’t a phase, I know this deep down, it wasn’t an experiment, it was the real thing and I liked it. Not only did I like it, I loved it, and I felt complete and real for once in my life, so I needed to be true to myself, and then the loudest voice said, "Remember – You – Are - Gay!"

Then another part of my brain screamed out, "Please NO! I don’t want to be gay, I just want to be normal, I want to have a girlfriend, to get married, to have kids."

Yet another voice calmly retaliates with “I know this, but I want to do this, not with a woman, but with the man I love”.

 All these voices in my head, or wherever they come from, are confusing me and muddying my thoughts.

Then something in my head flicks a switch and I see a little light. A glimpse of reality, and I realise it not me that’s confused, but the thoughts about what others will think and do that is causing me all the internal struggling. It is what my parents, my peers and others expect of me that weighs heavy on me and loads the shackles of guilt upon my shoulders.

Then the waves of remorse flood over me, pounding me down further, compounding my guilt-ridden thoughts with what I now see as my sole culpability in corrupting Pete and Stuart.

The loudest voices now make me see that what I did with Pete and Stuart was so wrong and I must be punished.

Not the sex and love for each, but to do it together, I feel like I have cheated on Pete by giving in to my sexual desires with Stuart at the same time.