Until You

Chapter Ten

Gretchen gently placed Ellie in her crib, afraid the child would wake up if she made too much noise. While it usually took nearly the entire night to put Ellie to sleep, she was starting to warm up to Gretchen's presence and was beginning to feel safe in her absence, the result of which was the child's ability to easily fall asleep. But, for some reason tonight, sleep eluded Gretchen.

Deciding that the night air would somehow help to lull her to sleep, she turned from the crib and made her way out of the room.

She walked through the silent building, maneuvering her way down the stairs until she was pushing the front door wide open and stepping into the chilly evening. The feeling of loneliness washed over her; the feeling of love lost and hopelessness that clung to her since her departure from San Francisco. She found that being stuck in a castle with an infant was a good distraction from her predicament, but she was quickly burdened by it every time the child fell asleep and she was left alone with her thoughts.

Releasing a soft sigh, her gaze traveled the vast property. She thought of having to live here for the rest of her life, sentenced to caring for little Ellie. It almost seemed to her that she didn't have a future beyond these walls, and soon enough, she imagined that Ellie would grow big enough to stop requiring the help of a nanny. There was also the possibility of Ethan getting married again and Ellie's need for a mother transcending her need for a nanny.

She thought of Ethan, a small frown creasing her face at the idea of him getting married again one day. She knew it was no business of hers, but she wasn't certain she could help the unfamiliar feeling of unease that bombarded her at the thought.

A cold shiver ran through her body and she instinctively wrapped her arms around herself.

"You are unable to sleep?"

The unexpected and highly intrusive voice from behind startled her enough to cause her to jump a little. Turning sharply, her eyes came to rest on Ethan's silver eyes that sparkled in the dark. She didn't know whether it was because she was startled by his presence or in awe of his beautiful eyes, that she all of a sudden found it difficult to breathe.

Ethan's brows pulled together to form a frown. "I apologize, Miss Riverside, I did not intend to frighten you."

She studied his eyes for a few seconds and found him to be genuinely apologetic.

With a small nod, she said, "I'm the one who's sorry, Lord Williams, I should not even be here but by Ellie's side." She nodded, before turning to walk past him.

"Miss Riverside." Ethan's hand took captive of her wrist, pulling her to a halt beside him.

Gasping softly, she turned to him. She watched as his eyes rested briefly on their locked hands, before traveling slowly up her arm until they were standing face to face. "What worries you enough to deprive you of sleep?" It was a mere whisper but she heard him clearly.

"I..." she squeaked, barely able to speak. Perhaps it was the intensity of his gaze?

"Forgive me, Miss Riverside." He shook his head, his hold loosening around her wrist and leaving that part of her skin warm. He coughed a little, shifting from one foot to the other. "I simply assumed you to be worried," he said, turning from her to the gray clouds above.

She watched him, his fingers trembling slightly by his side. Perhaps he was nervous, she thought. Perhaps he was as nervous as she was? Perhaps the strange feelings that were suddenly taking a huge chunk of her heart captive whenever he was near her, plagued him as well?

Straightening and finding the strength to speak, she said, "I am."

"You are?" he whispered, turning sharply to her. Once again, she thought she saw the same fire that burned in her heart, burn brightly in his eyes.

"Yes, Lord Williams." She sighed, stepping forward until she was standing before him. "Perhaps my fears are unfounded but I cannot simply ignore them." She clasped her hands before her.

"And what might they be?" He held her gaze.

Glancing down, she suddenly lost the courage to speak. It felt like her emotions were choking her, making it nearly impossible to form the words on her lips... Or perhaps it was her fears that choked her? She was afraid of how she felt when he was around her. She was afraid of the new desires that bombarded her mind, making it impossible to think correctly. But most of all, she was afraid of her desire for love. She knew she didn't deserve it, but it didn't stop her from longing for it, or longing for a home and a family. She longed for happiness. Still, she knew they were nothing but wishful thinking that was most likely never to come true.

"Fears are most times built on experience, Miss Riverside. We experience something bad, and we fear we might experience worse. They are hardly unfounded."

Gretchen turned to find him staring at her.

"Is it appropriate to assume that you might be afraid of something?" she worked up the courage to ask.

Ethan laughed nervously. "Perhaps, Miss Riverside."

For a while, she stood waiting for him to elaborate on his point, but when he didn't, she knew she had to get back to being around Ellie. "I must say goodnight, Lord Williams."

He nodded to her words and with a nod of her own, she turned to go inside.

"Miss Riverside," he called, forcing her to pause in her tracks and turn back around. He watched her. "You might be Elizabeth's nanny but you have as much freedom around here as I do. I would hate for you to feel trapped. When you find it impossible to fall asleep, feel free to leave the nursery."

It was a small show of kindness, but it went straight to her heart and made a home for itself there.

He turned back around and lifted his eyes to the dark sky.

A small smile settled on her face as she turned back around. She made to enter the building, when she heard it. It was a low whisper, but she heard him loud and clear when he said, "Good night, Miss Riverside."

With a smile spreading across her face, she made her way back to the nursery, where she had a good night.