I write this to you.. your name, very hard to say, but with this one letter, you'll know that I mean you exactly: M.
Your beauty, how cliche of me to say, but your beauty nonetheless still amazes me from afar.
Your beauty still captivates my heart.
Your beauty still excites my senses.
Your beauty, however you may have thought, is not the topic of this piece.
What is the topic?
You in general as a person, and how you have opened my eyes to see that there is still something in the world that is good and that these things spoken therein can still be found whereas we once thought they were lost.
Joy.
I introduce to you joy first, primarily because it is how I felt every morning I would wake up with expectancy to talk to you and every night that I sat in the driveway or walked around the woods, looking at the stars while we talked. In conversation, although your being was miles away, I still felt you touch my cheek, brush your lips across mine, lay in my arms, sleep in my bed. I slept with my body pillow, leveled to my body, and when I slept and slumbered, tossed and turned, in my dreams you stood. That's where we first kissed without kissing. In my dreams, because the reality of you was so vivid and descriptive, I ached to be with you in some form or another. As that could not be physical, I made it mental or subconsciously rather. I do not wish to say anything more about joy due to the simple fact that it hurts to recollect.
Hope.
You provided me with hope. I had just recently taken a major toll in a relationship. I was cheated on and something in me snapped. My worst nightmare. Every day beyond that day was a living hell until the day I met you. I remember my friend, my brother, -we'll call him L, only because you know who I refer to with letters,- asked me to do him a major favor. Without hesitation, I agreed as that was "bro-code". The task was to simply be-rid you of him. He felt as if you were too clingy and depressing and that just wasn't the type of person he was. I messaged you.. yes, I messaged you. I lied to you for his benefit.. I am sincerely sorry for that and I hope you forgive me for this was the first wrong I had committed against you. When I told you this lie, the reason that he couldn't talk to you any more, I felt you hurt and it hurt me. Cliche, but it did. I don't know why it did as it did, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to comfort you. This was, in sequential order, the first moment we met, before joy.
Loyalty.
You would send me pictures of things and I vividly remember you sending me a lot of horoscope type pictures and how a Scorpio and an Aquarius matched so well. You didn't have home wifi so we'd only get that hour of conversation that you were at a gas station or a restaurant that had connection but it would undoubtedly be the best part of my day; those few moments we talked. In these actions you demonstrated loyalty, something I tried to promote in myself and ended up, in the end, hypocritical. M, whether or not we speak again as lovers, let no one take away your loyalty as mine was. That loyalty is what separates you from other women.
Happiness.
The conflict that joy and happiness are the same does not click with me. I believe they are different because I have experienced both with you. I remember when you sent me that audio of your voice and what you sounded like. You sounded beautiful. I sent you one of mine and you were astonished at how deep my voice was. Although I may have hit you with waves from my voice, the real hurricane occurred in yours whereas when you had to slumber, and I was still up in the night, I listened to your voice on repeat, sharpening it into my mind. I smiled so much that night my face hurt. That was happiness. Happiness was knowing that your father did not approve of you dating outside of your race, but you regardless saying you loved me. That stuck with me. I should have loved you better than that for the sacrifices you made on my behalf. Happiness was our plans to meet. Unrealistic, that I would drive to Sylacauca, Alabama as soon as I got a car, but it didn't matter to us because we were on ecstasy. We displayed happiness in the greatest when we talked about meeting. In that sense, happiness and joy differ, just as they always will.
Love.
Now I end this with love which, as the Bible says, ties all things together, or something in relation to that. You demonstrated the finest example of what real love towards someone should be and now I effortlessly search to find that love in anyone.. only because I feel that we will never be anything but strangers again. I'd love to restart with the knowledge I have gained now, but life is no game and there are no save files to pull up. You loved me intensely and that love burned my core, kept me warm at night. I am forever grateful for our encounter, M, even on the terms of which they had to happen.
I will always write of you, as you are like a muse to me; you are my sole definition of love, happiness, loyalty, hope, and joy, all of the things I desire in a partner. I could never find any negative words to use against you for in your being, I recognized the closest thing to perfection in a human form.
