FFXIV Main Story Quest Abridged

Coming to Gridania

It starts off a little weird.

Where did I come from? Did I have a family? Who the fuck knows, this is a video game, and I'm the newest adventurer in town.

I didn't even get a proper backstory. I got fucking jipped.

I just sort of fucking appeared.

That's me, fucking floating in nothingness.

It'd be kinda lonely out here if it weren't for the constant distant voice yelling at me. "Hear! Feel! Think!"

I'm sorry, I thought I did that by default. Are you god? Are you my mother?

This MF shows up out of nowhere. Who is he? Why is he bad? Is he bad at all? What if he's just like the fucking grocery store clerk? Who tf knows, I'm literally just in fucking space right now.

Suddenly I'm a fucking might White Mage, and apparently I'm attacking him. Who tf knows why? His robe makes him evil. He's gonna be Evil Robe man from this point on.

Hey guess what, you were fucking dreaming. How'd I get on this cart? Where am I? Alright then, I'll fucking roll with it. Evil Robe Man wasn't real. I wasn't real. Wait, I'm a video game character. I guess I'm not real anyway. At least I'm cute.

This drunk bastard keeps trying to talk to me about some stupid shit. You know how it goes. "What are you looking for in life? Fame, Fortune, Sweet anime tiddies?"

Obviously, anime tiddies.

These little invisible fucks drink his goddamned liquor. I'd be fucking pissed. He shrugs it off, though. "Apparently I drank my entire bottle of fucking wine and didn't realize it. OH WELL."

I wonder if these characters might possibly be important later. They look pretty. They're not wearing a penis-cap for a hat. They obviously have better fashion sense than Drunk Tutorial Guy.

We get attacked on the way, and suffer absolutely no fucking danger. The town's guards are good at their job or something, so we don't have to deal with that shit.

What the FUCK does he give me? I've checked my inventory. Nothing's there. Did he give me fucking sentience? Is HE god? Haha, his name is Bread-mont. That makes me have a fuckin' giggle.

So here I am in fucking Gridania. Newest adventurer on the block. Level 1. Conjurer. Badass-in-the-making. Where'd I come from? Where am I going? Who the fuck knows, let's get this fucking train chugging.