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Oh man, super fucking exciting, the first quest of the game. "Go the fuck over there." Note the inventory slots in the lower right corner. Nothing there. Penis-hat-tutorial-man gave me the ability to walk. He was definitely God.
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"Goodbye NPC that I'll NEVER FUCKING TALK TO AGAIN"
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He sends me to the adventuring guild. Caroline Canopy. This woman is in charge, and apparently, now I have parents, because this bitch is my new Mom. Look at that charming, mothering gaze she has.
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I mean, that is if she can actually see me over the desk.
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She talks about the "Calamity" from 5 years ago, and how nobody "quite remembers it clearly" and certainly doesn't remember the names of the "Warriors of Light" that saved the realm.
The thing is, the birth of FFXIV 2.0, which is the game I'm playing now- came about after they literally went and fucking destroyed 1.0 for being a sucky game.
That's the fucking Calamity. They fucking bombed their own game and rebuilt it, and all of the game characters are literally like "idk what happened lol fuck it"
I dig 4th wall-breaking.
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Pls teach me, Mommy.
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Nyancy Grace, keep your fucking Fox opinions to yourself omg
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Mom wants me to go touch the Aethryte. These will now be referred to as "Butts". I touched the butt. It was glorious, and now I can warp around like a fucking magician.
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She also wanted me to get an explanation of the marketplace. This cunt wouldn't talk to me until I fed him pie. Fuck him. I wanted that pie. Who puts eels in pie? Actually, he can keep the fucking pie. That shit's nasty.
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Then, finally, since I'm a conjurer, it was my duty to go get fuckin' explained-to about being a fucking conjurer. I get it. I heal. Elemental magic. Whatever. I fucking heal. "Intimacy with the elementals" jesus, the whole guild is a bunch of tree-fuckers. I just want to fucking heal people.
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This is my Conjurer guild leader. He's going to give me quests every 5 levels until I fucking have an aneurysm. See those horns? You can never, ever, EVER be his race. I'm not salty or anything... His proportions are all off compared to my superior lalafell character. Look how tiny his head is.
