Air

12. Masks, Photos, and Bandages

Chapter 12

(Jackie's POV)

I manage to stay awake for three hours, but I wish I were asleep again because Britt is smiling a creepy smile at me and Mom keeps excusing herself to the hallway.

"Britt? What's going on?" I try to project my voice, but my words come out as barely a whisper. Britt sighs and tucks her hair behind her hair.

"Well..."

"It's bad? Am I gonna die?"

"No, it's amazing! And horrible... But mostly amazing." she stutters.

"How can something be amazing and horrible at the same time?" I ask cautiously.

"Well how can something make perfect sense yet you don't understand?" Brittany looks impressed and disappointed in herself. "Sorry, Jackie. You're here with cancer and I'm being sarcastic. It's your outcome and I need to respect it."

Her words take my breath away. She's usually not this serious. "It's bad."

"Alright, do you want me to tell you?" 

"Yes," I murmur. "If you think I'm ready."

"Do you think you're ready?" she asks.

"You sound like a teacher."

"Okay... I think you need to know." She settles down in her chair, like she's about to tell a long story. Maybe she will, because I've been drifting between asleep and awake for God knows how long. That's a pretty long time for stuff to happen.

"You know how we've been praying for healing? Well... Jesus answered our prayers."

"Wait, I'm cured?!" I raise my voice as loud as I can without it cracking, which is normal talking. After those three words, I'm completely winded.

"Well, 90%." Brittany winces.

Of course there was a loop-hole. I mean, I can't just be cancer-free all the sudden. "What's the catch?"

"Well, only your-"

I cut her off. "Stop that. You start too many sentences with 'well'. Try again."

"I mean, only your right arm is still infected. So, they're scared the cancer will spread and take over again. And..."

"I'll lose it." I finish for Britt. All she does is nod slightly. "Then I'll be cancer free? When's the surgery?"

"Do you want me to tell you the cold, brutal truth?"

I nod. "The cold, brutal truth is a lot better than a lie."

"First off, yes. You'll lose it. The nurse said if you don't go through surgery, you'll die. You could die during surgery because there's a risk of infection. You'll probably get more chemo after they remove it.  They will amputate it up to here."

She points about an inch below her right shoulder. A really drastic change. I know the world doesn't work this way, but I just want my cancer to disappear. I knew it would change me, my hair loss, my skinny body, my weakness, my inability to walk alone. But this feels like a haircut. When you ask for a trim but they take off too much. Taking my arm is taking too much. Except unlike hair, arms don't grow back, not unless you're a starfish.

"The um... surgery," Brittany explains. "Is in three days."

"Seriosly?!" I scream (talk). "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I mean, I know I've been asleep but I wake up to eat oatmeal and crap!"

"Jackie, we couldn't figure out how to tell you! How do you tell that kind of thing to your little sister? 'Oh, by the way, sis! The doctors are gonna cut off your arm! It'll be cool though, it's not like it'll effect you're life!' That's bull crap!"

"I want to go back to sleep." I insist, gritting my teeth. "Don't wake me up, don't talk to me, until after my surgery." 

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When I wake up on my surgery day, cold hands press against my hands. It's bright and I can't see anything. 

"She's awake, but we have to intubate her." With a swift movement, the hand covers my mouth with a mask. It's happened to me before, but this time I don't want to let it win. I hold my breath and push it away.

They look pretty shocked.

"Take a picture of me with my family. Please." I added the please so I didn't sound like a complete jerk.

"Where's your cell phone?"

"In my room. Get them, too."

One of the surgeons comes back with my phone and my family. They crowd around me, positioning perfectly like people in magazines, as I show the man with cold hands how to take a picture. 

I put on a bright smile and clutch Brittany's hand. He takes three pictures, so I can decide which one I like the best, Then they wisk me away. And put the mask on me. And I let it knock me out this time. I fall asleep holding my right arm and crying.

                                                                                   ✈

I open my eyes and feel sluggish. My shoulder feels numb and tingly yet stingy at the same time. I look down at my feet. No cast anymore, but still unable to carry me. Mom's asleep on the couch in the corner. Cori is asleep on a chair. So I text Brittany, who isn't here, to surprise her.

Jackie:  hey britt where r u?  4:37 am

Brittany: jackie is that seriously u? how r u feeling? u ok? 4:37 am

Jackie: i'm honestly not okay... at all. i haven't looked at the bandages yet because i don't wanna see it. it feels weird not having one. 4:38 am

Brittany: want me to come over? im at the millview motel, down the road... with dad... 4:39 am

Jackie: yes 4:39 am

Brittany: ok i'm getting ready... should i bring dad? 4:39 am

Jackie:  no thanks... he's sort of been ignoring us. i haven't seen a lot of him lately and it frustrates me because i wanna have a dad again. just don't bring him. i'm gonna wait until u get here to wake up mom and cori  4:40 am

I don't have anything else to do so I look out the window and dream of leaving my body and flying around a little. I would do anything for that. Even if it was for just a minute. If I could look up and see the clouds and look down and see the people.

I wish I could fly up onto the wing of an airplane, which sounds stupid but it would be fun to scare people and see their faces. I haven't laughed in a while and I think I need to. Everyone needs to laugh. 

I snatch up the red beanie on the night stand to my left. I try to put it on my head with one arm, but it's not easy. I would be messing up my hair right now, if I had any. I whip it across the room, it hits the wall, and falls.

At 5, Brittany is here. She helps me put on my hat and then shakes Mom and Cori awake. My blanket is pulled over my shoulders. And I really don't want to look. But this is reality now. So I slightly sit up. The blanket falls. Mom cries. Cori breaks down. 

Brittany brings a mirror over to me. I see a girl with striking green eyes, no hair, a very skinny body, no boobs, and a bundle of bandages wrapped over a stump. Am I supposed to call what's left of my arm my stump? That feels uncomfortable to say. Am I getting a prosthetic? I don't want one. I want my real arm.

My bandages come onto my chest. I touch what's left of my arm and flinch. It's really small. Sometimes I see people with only their hands amputated. That certainly would be a lot easier. Now I have to relearn everything. And now I'm even less independent.

A.N. It took me hours to write this one, so you guys better like it! Jk, it's fine... Oh, by the way, follow me on Pinterest! I'm @Madeleine Ebaugh ... Also, I finished The Fault in Our Stars and bawled my eyes out for a million years... Well, next update coming soon! (Not edited)